End of Y2S2 - 12:18 AMRemember this feeling now.
I'm lying on my bed, heart in turmoil.
I've decided to do the thing that as a student is akin to failure - taking a module to the next semester. On top of that I might have failed a paper that I took as well. Despite having studied more in Y2S2 than Y1S1 I feel less prepared, less confident. I just have to accept that with each passing sem, I grow wearier, and with each rising number of course code, modules get tougher and I can no longer expect to replicate my success with the same amount of work.
Remember this feeling now.
Embarrassed. Burdened. Dejected.
One thing to do is to get the idea that my grades have reached a point that striving for more only brings more grief out of my head. It leaves me complacent, unmotivated. I know I am capable of more and I have the capacity to do more.
Remember this feeling now.
I could say my commitments took up a huge amount of time. I'll say this now, remember how you feel right now, how you know you could have done much more despite your commitments. Now, when next year you're free, you have so much time to study, please take advantage of it. It'll be the chance to make amends. Make amends to myself.
I have to stop thinking that spending >12 hours each day, for 14 - 21 days in Hive is enough to catch up a whole semesters' worth of backlog. Contrasting this to the past, I did more regular work, and spent later nights.
Remember this feeling now.
Remember that you promise to make up for this lost time of 4 AUs and struggles and compromises for other modules this studying period.
Will blog more about the semester in the next few days.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Before turning 23 - 10:13 PMI think I'm pretty much content with most of what I have now.
Moving forward I would wish to
1) spend more time at home/ with family
2) spend more time with friends beyond just hall
3) have more personal fiscal responsibility (well, I can manage the hall's funds why can't I track my expenditure properly too haha)
4) study harder
5) be happier more
6) pursue music more actively, perhaps yangqin and piano diploma in the future
Will update soon!
Meanwhile, here's a picture with Maphia. Went to have mookata out of school and played darts with this lovely bunch awhile back. Can't be any happier tbh. (From left to right: Nicholas, Wei Ling, Wei Chong, myself, Jordan, Sophia, Tzu Chieh, Matt, Beatriz, Adrian)
Saturday, December 17, 2016
You only get a guaranteed stay in hall for the next year through your contribution. There are many platforms available for you to contribute, really. There are 20 (maybe 22) sports, 10 recreational games, dance, cheerleading, jamband, 4 main committees and various subcommittees.
I'm into my 2nd year of hall stay. I realise I've barely talked about what I've done in hall ever since I matriculated. I will say that I've really been busy, though not to the point that I haven't had time to breathe. I was just lazy to pen my thoughts and reflection about the entire journey thus far.
Partially it might have also been because I feel riddled with the responsibility to not air dirty laundry in public. Much more on this will come after I step down from my committee (Junior Common Room Committee) officially in September 2017.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm enjoying every bit of this. I realise I found much more gratification from the idea that I (potentially might be) grooming my freshies and that idea gives me so much fulfillment. I hope that it is not a misplaced faith that I'm doing right.
So putting aside my experience of comm-life till late 2017, I'm basically here today cause I have much feels from the recent start of the Inter-Hall Games.
In the first year I wasn't around much, admittedly, because I was firstly busy with cheerleading, and secondly I couldn't really care more. I think it stemmed from the fact that I couldn't get over sports taking absolute precedence over the music scene. Or it could just be that I was lazy. But regardless I did go down for match supports in the later part of the period. Though it seems many do not realise this and constantly mention that I was absent, and I'm like, WHAT? were you guys oblivious? Must I have been more prominent just to prove I was around for the games? Must I have shouted and cheered and screamed for attention? Seriously?
That is already in the past, and honestly I've been putting in more effort into this match support thing especially since I am in the top 4 position now. And even so, at occasions my participation in the first year would always be brought into question, like WHAT?... It's ok. Conscience is clear and my support now stems from a very genuine place. I am just there giving moral support. I do not need to shout, I do not need to excessively cheer. I enjoy seeing my peers putting in effort and fighting for that win, and seeing their effort and concentration pay off.
Then it brings me to why I'm upset about this whole thing. I am useless.
People whom I've not seen or heard of suddenly become so prominent just because they can play one game very well, or multiple games decently. These are the people you'll get to see around in their 4 years of IHG. Then there are the people who contribute through committees and just being that supportive senior attached, and their stay isn't secured. The idea that the moment I step down from my committee all my previous contributions becomes obsolete scares me.
So much sacrifice and devotion went behind this idea of a committee, and in a blink of an eye it is worth much less, way less, than the ability to dribble a ball.
BUT DISCLAIMER HERE I AM NOT SAYING BEING ABLE TO PLAY TAKES NO EFFORT however in the context of hall, many of these people fall into that category. They are naturally, or previously already good at the game, so they do not need to go for training and such, and they are on top of their game. Sigh, it's ok. I can rant more but really I'll just go around in circles and also just end up concluding what I've felt since primary school.
Sports weigh more.
Athleticism weigh more.
Masculinity weigh more.
The Truth about Shiro.
Who gave you the right to decide to stay or leave? Who let you decide who's right and wrong in this situation? Who made you the one to have so much power over me?
I think after all that's been said and done, I was a cause of this whole issue that I've been fighting against.
I gave too much of myself into your OG. You did not want this for your OG. Before it all begun you already made the decision you would leave after 3 events.
I know why I wanted you to stay. We gave you too much power. You solely decided whether or not the OG would survive or fall apart. That is the culture that the hall thrived in. So much of hall culture rode on the CAGLs that when both decide that they are done, it is done.
What someone said to me is pretty true. Perhaps I have issues with letting go of it because I'm constantly thinking about how things would be different if I were the CGL instead, because I'm so certain I would've done a great job. Everything that you failed to do I would've been there.
All that you lacked I had.
Except for masculinity and athleticism.
Again this comes back to bite me.
I question my worth.
Will the rest of the life ahead of me constantly challenge my masculinity and athleticism as well?
I think the one person I cannot forgive is not you, Fish. It is myself. For being so inadequate that I failed to inspire and leave an impression during camp. I failed to be Hontas (Jordan) or Rachel (you both are such an inspiration in every aspect of hall that I know of).
I am sorry Wei Ling. I knew this was heading our way. I knew without him around you would not be able to carry on. So I tried to fill that role right from the start. Perhaps me trying to do so gave you too much security that you did not bother to work things out with him. I am sorry that I failed to prevent this from happening, that I did not have enough strength and spontaneity to infect you with to overcome his absence. I made the decision that our friendship far surpasses the Shiro's very existence itself, hence I will not speak of this to you ever again.
I am sorry fellow seniors. I burdened you guys with the responsibility and idealism that I held onto since the start of camp. However I thank you so sincerely for respecting my decisions and supporting me through this difficult time. It is because of you guys that assured me that what I was fighting for isn't a blind and deluded faith.
This resentment and/or remorse towards anyone related to Shiro will pass. Not so soon. But it will. It will pass if:
1) I see my freshies carry on the traditions that I tried to hand down.
2) I'm done with hall.
I hope it is the former, for the latter will cause me much more distress.
I am in my second year of university.
I wish to experience all of hall.
I can't burn out now.
I want to pride myself with my results.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Recess Week woes - 3:28 AMon the loneliest night of the 7th week
I put old records on
those I wish I myself could have sung
with the band
how in unison we could've sounded
only if I had a voice
I do not dare to make a stand.
I complain that others make too much of
some make too little of
what of me?
tomorrow I will wake to a week we take a step into a further unknown
I've been very incoherent lately. I've been very lazy lately. I don't even know why I say the things I do. I don't even know why I feel this compulsive need to overshare sometimes. I wish I had more awareness of my feelings, of the reasons I feel a certain way. I wish I had a more active control over these feelings, both negative and positive, cause both get the best of me when they emerge.
Maybe I've been exercising too much control on what I can say in front of this select group of people, and with others I just let down those walls.
I'll need more time to myself where I can sit down to think about this.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
10th June 2016 - Christina Grimmie - 9:25 PMI just got back to my hotel room in Laos, Luang Prabang, MyLaoHome on Saturday evening. It was then I got connected to the wifi and noticed the notification from my Junior College class clique chat group: Christina Grimmie passed away. She got shot.
Over the past 4 years, I've received major news regarding her from that very same chat group. Christina Grimmie participating in The Voice. Christina Grimmie coming to Singapore for NUS Rag and Flag.
I could not believe the news.
Someone so talented, so young, passed on, so instantly, for no rhyme or reason.
I've had so much expectation and desire to hear from her, to get to watch her perform live one day.
I've dreamed to be able to live life authentically like she did. She was so genuine, so humble, so entertaining. She was not afraid to be herself, she was not afraid to voice her opinions. She was unique.
She is the only YouTube artiste that I respect and pay attention to because she bothered to make the music her own. She is the reason why I listen to most of the artistes I do today, because her rendition made me like the original better.
Her originals like Liar Liar and I Bet You Don't Curse God are songs I used to turn to. And during the last examination period Y1S2, she released her EP and I was putting those songs on replay as well.
The world suffered a great loss.
It's been 2 days but I feel like I'm still in mourning.
Life is just so unpredictable.
Hearing her song "I Bet You Don't Curse God" does make it feel slightly better at times. I believe she doesn't. That's how I know she's at peace now, that she's at a happier, better place.
I hope your impact and influence will constantly remind me and others to never stop believing in our dreams, and to be the best version of ourselves, without fear of criticism and judgement from people who don't matter.
OCIP 2016 - 5:23 PMIt's been a long time since I've posted and a lot has happened since I entered university.
I just came back from Laos, Luang Prabang, earlier today. I was there for 2 weeks on an overseas community involvement programme (OCIP). I guess the takeaways are really insights into myself, personal growth, that sorta thing. Not really on the sort of impact that I left in the village (Ban Phong Savang) that I went to, and on the children that I interacted with there.
I'll be waiting for the official photos that our Publicity and Publications team took before picking out some to put here.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
last day of 2015 - 3:07 AMdamn i kept putting off blogging and now it's already 31st December.
2015 has been great.
I completed my national service.
Took up my first internship and it went smoothly, it was a great boost to my confidence.
Hall camp was great, Maphia (Orientation Group) was great. (Might blog about it another time.)
First semester's results weren't that ideal, cause I expected myself to be able to do much better. Got a 4.1 GPA. (out of 5).
I definitely progressed professionally, much more than I expected to have, yet I can't shake off the feeling that 2015 isn't complete.
How much more do I have to achieve to make a year feel like a fruitful one?
Saturday, February 14, 2015
JES WK BEN MUN - 1:23 AM
I officially ORD today! As of 130215, I completed 2 years of my national service (: Here's a (sorta) mandatory shot, or, very common picture where people would pose with their ICs hahaha.
And for our unit, KTSC, Khatib Training Support Centre, we sort of have a tradition where the ORDing personnel would treat everyone something. So Marcus, Mark and I were ORDing on the same day so we decided to share the cost of 36 cupcakes from Plain Vanilla Bakery!
I was honestly feeling a little down after it all. Perhaps I was expecting my ORD to end on a high, instead of a just me walking away sorta thing. Hmm. I think it's built upon too much expectation that people would genuinely miss me, and notice my absence. I guess it just didn't feel like much today when I went back, I don't know.
But I would say I have so much well wishes for everyone that has touched my life in camp one way or another, and naming those that still remain, and that I think back more fondly of, more for like, when I look back at this post in 10-years time:
QM Office: Brendan, Xingyang
CP: Ben Sim, Guanhong, Junsheng
Weapons: Jason, Ian, Xiaoben (Ben Ye), Clarence, Amirul
Comms: Sorry lol
Optics: Melvin, Alde, Ryan
Admin: Kah Wai, Tingloong
Oh and it was very nice that WO Wee Teck and Jarratt expressed gratitude and acknowledgement to the service that I have done, and MSG Paul as well, for calling me to thank me. And Mdm Ho for the gift and calling me after I left sigh.
Too bad the people from AI weren't around for me to pass the cupcakes directly to them, went through another nsf.
I was really hoping Sng and jm admitted their wrong and apologised to me. For dissing me, for despising me, for wrecking everything that I've worked to achieve for the past two years. Or that I would have the last laugh today, and mock them, and insult them, and diss them for their undoing. But no, none of that happened. Regardless, I have to admit I have learnt a lot from Sng, in terms of management and I guess sort of a 'new age' thinking of doing and handling things.
I guess I just really wished all my contributions were more concrete, more tangible, and that people missed me during my absence. I probably wish they had a shrine or something for me LOL and had a party with like confetti or whatever to celebrate my existence, MY EXISTENCE cause I'm such a blessing and joy to everyone around me.
But I guess that's all wishful and selfish and ungrateful thinking hahaha but honestly, I don't need much. I didn't need presents, I didn't need like a big going away party. All I really wanted to feel was sincerity and I guess, perhaps, I didn't feel enough of that today and I wish I had more of it, that's all. Is that very hard to ask...
Hence it spurred this rough unpolished ridiculous attempt at poetry, written while waiting for Jesmond who asked me out to celebrate my birthday.
With regards to my ORD, 13 February 2015:
What did I expect
Cheers, balloons, streamers,
Confetti, hugs, speeches,
Tears, presents, smiles,
'I will miss you's,
What did I expect
From being the last to leave
From an extended absence
From a high-seated pedestal
From my own personality that fails
What did I expect
that I would have jeered at their current circumstance
Popped their hot air-headed bigots
Strut over a red carpet
To see someone else sweeping up the shreds
'I will miss you's.
And I would reply
I will miss everyone one of you too.
And hence I was feeling down, and emoish, and had tears welling up in my eyes. And actually tried making plans to go get a drink or something..
And, cause Jesmond asked me out and he told me to wait at the MRT cause he was running late, though I offered to go queue at the Sushi Tei first. Then he called me, saying he walked past without realising hahaha. So, we happily walked to Sushi Tei, and then he said he made reservations already, and we just walked right in AND BAM THERE I SAW WEEKIAT AND BENEDICT SITTING IN THE BOOTH WAITING FOR ME OMG WITH A HAPPY BIRTHDAY BALLOON.
Oh, my, god. I was so thrilled, so excited, so elated, so surprised I WAS REALLY REALLY HAPPY seeing them. And later, Munyuan joined us as well! gosh. Sec 1 and 2 times. Ahhhh my best friends from CHS 1-6 and 2-6. omg. Freaking hell I missed us being together.
Jesmond planned all this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS, and to ben, wk, mun really THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING really. >< I wasn't intending to celebrate my birthday and was hoping it would pass by quietly. THOUGH my birthday is on 22nd Feb but it clashes with CNY hence they celebrated a week earlier (((((:
Omg I'm still so thrilled, so thankful, and just so happy. Thank you guys, I feel extremely blessed really. Thank you. Thank you.
After eating at Sushi Tei, we went to D Good Cafe for supper, and this is Mun and Ben playing with the lift hahaha.
Wee Kiat had to rush off, so he left early, but first, let us take a selfie hahahaha.
Guys, thank you so much. I am extremely surprised and extremely grateful for having you guys in my life and I apologise if we haven't been meeting up as often as I would wish to but every time I do get to see you guys, we are just as close as ever, and it feels like nothing has changed. (':
I just so thankful I can't reiterate it enough.
It's been so long since I couldn't wipe a smile off my face!
Thank you guys, for making my ORD day a memorable one indeed... (':
Love, jh. (':
Thank you Ben, Jes, Mun and Wk. (:
Sunday, February 08, 2015
Happy 21st Birthday Bozy! - 2:15 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOZY!
Not his actual day, but he celebrated it on 7 Feb 15 at Aloha Loyang! Only Ben, Wansh and I went, cause the rest couldn't make it. ): Really wish the rest were there too. I felt pretty sad, recognising those CHS faces but didn't really talk to them. And recognising bingbongyingx, THOUGH we weren't close but we could have talked I guess.
Anyway! To keep things like the 3E random funny presents tradition alive, HERE IS WHAT WE DID!
Step 1: We bought two shirts, and a toy and we pleaded (sort of) with the J.CO Donuts for a box of theirs which their manager very kindly gave us one -THANK YOU-.
Step 2: We put the shirts into the donut box to MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE BOUGHT DONUTS HAHAHAHA shitty present for a 21st if you ask me LOL. (pic of us doing this on the train)
Step 3: We wrote a card, or wanted to. LOL. I brought a piece of paper which I stuck the bubble letters stickers on, "BOZY21ST" awww and brought a pen for us to write notes on. Sigh forgot to take a picture of the card!!!
Step 4: The note ended up with just "Hey Bozy! Happy Bir" LOL Cause the pen I brought ran out of ink MEGA FAIL JH OMG.
Step 5: CAMWHOREEE!!! Love this, especially with Wansh around, cause she's SO HYPE with selfies and I really love that.
Picture of the fishing toy and aww benben's learning how to camwhore too.
Step 6: Gave bozy the 'FAKE' present first HAHAHA and he was like "I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
Step 7: Which we then said "Ok bozy here's your real present, we bought you donuts, you can open it now and share it with everyone". But ok he didn't really fall for it either hahaha.
Step 8: Tadaaaaaa he opens it and sees the two shirts we bought him ^_^v.
Other pictures from tonight:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN BOZY!
Oh and cause he loves Pokemon, his cake was a Pokeball, and the CHS dudes bought him a Pikachu onesie! LOLOL DAMN CUTE TTM. AND HOT. Literally hot LOL he was perspiring damn badly.
Hope we made you 3E kiddos proud by keeping this goofy tradition alive HEHEHEHEHE.
Many loves!! <3
Here are some random moments too:
Justin's Birthday meet up with Hafidz and JJ!
Dropping by CHS with Jes before heading for our Missionary Tea Circle (will take pictures on our next session and I'll elaborate hahaha)
On 6th Feb, Martin planned a CHSCO'10 gathering!
We went back CHS first and Martin and I tried playing something together! Being able to play with Martin again, WOAH SHIT LIKE URGH I MISS THIS AWESOME FEELING OF PLAYING WITH YOU. We really had a good thing going back then. (:
IT WAS REALLY LIKE WOAH. I HAD THOSE FEELS OF PLAYING IN THE SAME ORCHESTRA AGAIN URGH I REALLY NEED TO PLAY WITH YOU GUYS AGAIN CHSACO PLEASE?
Then met up with Jiawei, Guochang and Yilong for dinner at Ajisen, and had Tauhuay at upper thomson. AWESOME MEET UP and sigh really miss you guys, and the memories, and the camaraderie, and the familiarity we share. Really do.
A huge thank you, to everyone, everyone, that has made life tolerable for me.
I can't thank you guys enough.
Monday, January 05, 2015
可惜没如果 - 3:08 AM
In this post, I will mention a few significant friends that have helped me through 2014.
A huge thank you to the people that I still hang out with from the class.
|Photobooth experience on the graduation day for J2|
|Back to school|
|Late dinner at Sweechoon before Yingx flew back to NY|
|XMAS'14 steamboat and Rach's belated|
Thanks for still hanging out, thanks to the people who are enthusiastic enough to initiate and plan gatherings. I think 2014 would've sucked so much more if I truly had no group in which I belonged.
|Persis and Jia Hui posing for the camera|
|Our annual picture, in the same position for three years now!|
|Throwback to the first few days in Taiwan 2011|
|One of those times we were both intoxicated and probably dealing with our own stuff and were left to bond and HEY it worked out!|
|Yudish (left) and I met Cyril Wong (center) at Books Actually during a live reading he gave.|
To Marshall and Yudish! I met you guys through Jesmond and believe me it has been a great joy getting to know you two! You guys taught me that the friends that stay with you and matter don't necessarily mean I have to get acquainted firsthand. And somehow, fate will bring the people you are meant to meet to you. You two are the freshest and purest minds I've met, in consideration of our common interest. We do not need to conform, we can prove the haters wrong.
Thank you for sharing common interests such as poetry and choice of music, and at the same time be so ever willing to trust me to let me in on your life as well.
|With Martin on the way home after some CO batch dinner|
|On Fabian's ORD day|
Martin and Fabian are unrelated, but when I think of them they remind me of roughly the same important thing that I lack and am in desperate need to learn. Self-preservation.
Martin has been my friend since 2007 where we met through CO, and later on became seat-mates in Sec3 and 4. We were also in the CO Committee together and I'm proud to say we went through a lot but remained good friends till now. Despite not meeting or keeping in touch on a regular basis, every time we meet it somehow brings me back into this somber mood, where I would reminisce of all the memorable things, and wish I could relive the glorious times we had together. Lately when we meet, you would always tell me your thought processes about social interaction and I'm terribly shocked cause how you are now is completely different than how you were in Secondary school. I would consider you a social butterfly then haha. But now, you are completely at peace with yourself (quoting you haha) living in this tranquility and pursuing the things that you love wholeheartedly, with no distractions. I have to emulate that, instead of constantly wishing to impress and achieve recognition and affirmation.
I got to know Fabian in camp, and am so thrilled when we found common interests such as Carrie Underwood, and watching Arrow. Your comments are always so distant and careful, and you are still the untainted entity that I can no longer return to, but will strive to emulate. You are unique and special in your own way, and have this aura that is so friendly and approachable and yet you are able to retain that air of mystery.
|Seniors! A steamboat during CHSCO Camp '14.|
(Back row, from left) Ailanthus, Enzen, Benjamin Chua, Yi Wei, Gibson, Ren Jie, Yi Der, Zachary
(Front row, from left) Clement, Gwyn, Long Lao Shi, Xuan Ming, myself
|Zachary and Benjamin, my beloved Yangqin juniors|
|A screenshot of my Facebook notification, the second from the top, where my Yangqin teacher left a comment on one of my photos asking about my grading examination.|
Chinese Orchestra has been a huge part of my life since Pri 3. I still find myself thinking about CHSCO and wanting to go back to help make a difference and inspire. Perhaps it is due to my failure in 2009-2010 as the President of CHSCO. But I guess everything we do was part of a learning experience. And I did have a great takeaway.
This was a steamboat gathering for the seniors when the current CHSCO was having their CO Camp before the concert. I'm glad we still come back and gather and are still bonded by the the same interest. Shit, typing this now, looking at the photo, my heart wrenched and started sobbing. There has been too many great and amazing experiences that will never be relived, but I wish there will be a continuation to all this in time to come.
And meeting Zachary and Ben Chua again is really uplifting. During the time I practiced yangqin with them, and Ji Quan, Taisheng and Ivan, we really had a lot of fun playing and at the same time practicing. Zachary and Ben gave me much competition in terms of our proficiency in the instrument and it gave me more motivation to improve myself. I miss the days were the 6 of us were playing on stage together. It was the best yangqin section experience I ever had, and really, it is never to be replicated.
And I would like to thank my teacher, Professor Wei Yanming for dropping me a comment on Facebook asking about my interest to pursue the Grade 8. If not for him reaching out to me I might not have started the first private yangqin lessons so far in 10 years of picking up the instrument.
|After dinner and dessert at Upper Thomson, we went to the playground behind Marymount MRT, which was also near RJ|
OHGOSHITSTIFFANY! Met you through Wanshuen, and we were both in CO as well. AND YOU LATER BECAME YILONG'S GIRLFRIEND DAYUM YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME! He's an amazing friend and an amazing guy and I'm glad you two are together (:
That day were we finally met up, and it was one and a half years since we last met and spoke at all. Yet everything felt the same, just like we were back in school. We were chatting, we were comfortable, we were screaming. Thank you Tiffany, for reminding me as well, that the bestest friends don't always have to meet and talk all the time. We will forevermore remain this close, because of the memory and trust we share. Please do invite me to your wedding! hahaha ^_^
It's been two years since I've known you, Joshua, and you've always been there for me. You're the one friend that I have the most impromptu meetups with. And I think it is that way because we are so comfortable with each other, and we've already grown so used to each other's idiosyncrasies and we know when each other is feeling down, or need some talking to. Despite all that you've been through, and despite all the mean things I say to you, thanks for trusting me as a friend, that whatever I say is because I truly care. We are very different people, I think we both know that. But somehow we click, because we're both willing to speak our minds and we both express fervently about things we feel strongly about. You often say blunt words that I don't want to hear and shut out. I think it helped me be more careful with how I act as well. Thanks for always being the one with the initiative as well because I'm tiresome and annoying that way when it comes to truly close friends.
There's much more left unsaid but I think we both know the rest.
And it's been perhaps 4, to 5 years since we've known each other Haziq! Thanks for always being so thoughtful when it comes to gifts and greetings. Thanks for always checking on me whenever I start tweeting a mess. Thanks for still chatting with a person like me when you could do MUCH better HAHA. But I guess that's why we are still talking after so long, cause we've become friends, and not just some fleeting thing that we're constantly exposed to. I hope I have been able to share the weight of your problems this year, and let's both rejoice we're ORDing this year! (:
Thank you guys, for having been my source of comfort, entertainment and companionship in camp! And I'm so glad even after we ORDed, we are still in touch and constantly meeting up. We took this photo after a dinner one day, and we mused that this must be how it feels like to have a meet up after a working day.
Thank you all, for always chasing my cravings and fads with me!
Hafidzhin, or Daniel / Zayn as you prefer haha. You've always been someone I look up to in terms of work ethic and competency. You are so efficient and effective when you do your work, and beyond that, you were able to manage a hectic work life and an active social life as well. Though you are constantly subjected to nagging by the rest of us, I hope you know it's because we care! I'm glad that you're happy now, and are at a better place, and I hope you will stay this way!
JJ (Jun Jie), thanks for always being the super helpful person that goes out of the way for everyone, even if they don't mean anything for you. You remind me to be the best person that I can be, regardless of the situation. Thanks for always being willing to listen as I nag and rant on and on. You've provided me with the most emotional support be it romantic issues or work problems. Thanks for checking on me every time I tweet something ridiculous as well.
Justin constantly puts on this 'fuck care' attitude, and this ice queen outlook, but really you're capable of so much warmth and care and it eludes me how you can appear so different on the outside. However, thanks for letting me be on the receiving end of your kindness, with gifts, thoughtful gestures like the cupcakes and Christmas card, and for always meeting me to go chase after my cravings haha. Thanks for always tolerating my nagging and accompanying me while I did my work. Also, thanks for sharing my interest in Ellie Goulding and Mariah Carey. You've been an amazing friend to attend these concerts with, and I would not have gone with anyone else. There's a lot to say but I think you've already heard me express gratitude countless times already haha. Oh and thanks for always taking the initiative to text me as well! My phone would be so dead without you.
I've known Jesmond for 9 years now and I think it's amazing how we were in the same Secondary school, in the same camp, and in the future going to be in the same university as well. You've been going through a lot lately, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to be there for you the way you need me to. But still know that I'll always be here for you!
And thanks for still playing maple with me! LOL! I would be goddamned lonely without you.
Hi Sharm. You've always been that voice of reason and higher awareness that I lacked. I think you would never realise how much you were a guiding beacon since I got to know you, with your morals and character. You were constantly there for me despite being MILES away. I remember once I texted you in the night after waking up from a nightmare, and you called me using your overseas number. I WAS SO GRATEFUL. It wasn't needed to that extent and yet you called. I'm glad that the first time you came back from Ireland, I got to meet you twice. But I'm extremely sorry it didn't end well. I think it would anger you greatly if I were to say, "I don't really know what went wrong". But I think I do. But I don't know how to bring it up to you. I don't have the courage and perhaps tenacity at this point in time to reach out to you and to keep you, and rectify everything else that this entails. Perhaps in a few months, I will. And I hope by then it's not too late. But still know that I do love you so much, so much. And this friendship is not something I would let die off this way.
Thanks Rachel for the Skype calls, thanks for the frankness, thanks for sharing your love of poetry with me, thanks for raving about Gentle Bones with me, thanks for keeping up with my life and letting me in on yours, despite being all the way in London. Right now I'm just thinking of giving you a hug and it just feels like that warmth is sufficient, and I need not say any more.
Wee Kiat, thanks for being there for me all this while, despite my elusiveness, despite our distance, despite our separate lives now. It's still nice every time we meet, and even till now, I feel so unnerved without you hearing the pieces I am playing on the yangqin and on the piano. You're really inspiring, this year alone, for you played much more of maple than me (I'm sure) and at the same time managing Medical school so well. Not just that, your social life seems to be thriving too! Haha. You've always been very motivating, very inspiring, however I was probably just being pulled along by you. Without you around in JC and of late, I feel pretty lost when it comes to further academic pursuits. It's time I found the strength to find my own direction in life now haha. I hope that despite us going separate ways, we will still remain close in years to come.
[ 全都怪我, 不该沉默时沉默, 该勇敢时软弱. ]
I kinda dragged it out too long. Didn't realise I intended to mention so many people, and didn't realise I had so much to type. As the post went on I grew tired cause it's going to be 3AM now, and I gotta wake up early tomorrow. Kinda lost the initial meaning and intention. It was more of, how these significant people played a role in making life better for me in 2014, and how they reminded me I was blessed enough and all. And things that I learn and reflect on myself because of their influence.