Chinese New Year - 2:31 AM
Happy Chinese New Year everyone. (:Well it's been a long time I've blogged and I guess it's actually relatively weird that I'm blogging now.
In that, everyone should be taking the opportunity to gamble and eat and all.
Oddly, today I slept for 3 hours in all during my visiting,
and now I'm actually in the room alone, listening to emo songs sung by A-Lin feeding my remorse and regret.
I finally realise that I actually still fear whatever that I've been tampering and dabbling with, and let's just code-name it "G".
And now I perhaps have my whole future at stake because of G.
I might have lost all my future...
I thought I was ready to face all that shit in that world.
I thought I was controlling the situation in that world.
I guess not.
And now I've no idea how to clean up the mess I've gotten myself into.
I guess, I actually saw it coming, so I'll just live it through whatever complication comes my way.
And I guess to everyone else, sorry if you've lost all faith in me as a person should this issue complicates.
This aside.
Due to recent events. I've grown to realise how much I actually love every single person in my life right now.
And I want to apologise to several for taking us for granted.
I guess the first one that's on my mind, she's a great friend.
And now we just aren't the same as before.
I'm really sorry.
I want it all to go back to how it was before.
But I well know that it can never.
I'll mention us in a post soon.
And well yes, I realise I am really thankful of my class right now.
I have the greatest people standing beside me all the time.
Us supporting each other and holding each other close.
It was terrible of me to even have thought that I am now dispensable from the clique.
Everyone has a part to play.
--
只是哪怕周围再多人
感觉还是一个人
每当我笑了
心却狠狠的哭著
给我一个理由忘记
那么爱我的你
给我一个理由放弃
当时做的决定
有些爱
越想抽离却越更清晰
而最痛的距离 是你不在身边
却在我的心里
(Even though there are many people around, it still feels like I’m alone
Every time I smiled, my heart is crying bitterly
Give me a reason to forget the 「you」 that loved me so much
Give me a reason to give up the decision that was made before
Some love, the more you want to pull yourself from, the more clearly it gets
The most painful distance is when you are not beside me but is in my heart)
Pre-chorus and Chorus of 给我一个理由忘记 by A-Lin.
Sigh.
Sometimes.
In a friendship.
You give so much, hoping for things to get better.
But they don't.
And when eventually you decide to give up.
You realise that you can't do it.
Cause you still cherish them.
--
My journey towards A's since the start of the year hasn't been good.
Even now I can't complete my homework.
I think the worst part of it all is that when you look around you, and everyone you see is either studying for SATs, or they have long completed the work and already started studying.
And these people worry for having not enough time to study.
Whereas I am still here wondering whether I'm going to try to complete the holiday homework in time for submission.
It's really hard to get back on track really.
I've been trying since Sec4.
I know it can't be done easily.
And to be honest I'm in a worse state than I was in back then.
And now the competition is much tougher and there's much more significance as it determines the course and the university you'll be admitted to.
Sigh.
People just say you need to help yourself, or you need to seek help from others.
But really I think sometimes you just have to admit it's time to take a back seat and realise that you're no longer in the competition.
Perhaps it's time to venture down a new path.
I really don't know how my mental well-being is.
I'm definitely not doing well.
For I am having oddly irregular mood swings.
And determination and focus to study at the wrong times.
And at the same time, I'm still not getting my priorities right.
I seriously do need tuition actually.
I know I have no self discipline to achieve anything.
But at the same time I'm refusing to allow myself to lose all free time I have.
Sigh.
---
The 15 of us who mostly didn't know each other before the Taiwan Immersion Programme came together, thrown into a foreign school. 3 students from each Junior College.
Thinking back, it was really a whole lot of fun.
And it felt really innocent.
We weren't out competing for results.
We got close cause well all we have is each other.
I love that feeling.
Sadistic, perhaps. Selfish, maybe.
I'm just really possessive of relationships.
And I try to hide that cause well I know it isn't a good thing.
Perhaps well, that's why friends/relationship matter so much to me.
That it bugs me every single moment of my life.
To cherish it.
To not let it slip through my fingers.
I want to feel this feeling all the time.
The feeling of being irreplaceable, needed, wanted, loved.
It's really bad wanting such things right.
I'm sorry if I'm scaring people.
I've always been keeping this side in check.
And I will continue doing so.
I don't think it's a positive trait.
It's really evil.
I have no authority to demand for unwavering attention and love.
There are other people in this world.
They have their friends too.