{[j i n h o n g]}

Tomorrow's Orientation for '13 Batch...

2012-01-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

Oh shucks. I really wish to not go to school tomorrow (due to unfinished work).
But then I don't want to miss the excitement! Argh!
And speaking of the excitement of orientation... Sigh.
But I guess this feeling of regret beats the feeling of disappointment.
I don't know what to think.

Since the last time I was slightly hardworking, it's been 4 days since I've touched any work at all.
This, I mean doing my homework even. So I haven't studied at all either.
Sigh.
I just procrastinate and just don't wish to face it.
And once at the last few hours of the day, I get so frustrated over it, the easiest way out is the sleep it away.

I'm still wasting a lot of time stalking people on facebook/twitter, or just any media platform;
Watching youtube videos and all.
And really just wishing I was in their position at that specific moment,
Living life to the fullest, having something worth boasting about their lives about.

I really just wish to be happy.
Is that really a selfish wish?
Is that really too demanding a wish?

Lost Faith.

2012-01-30T01:35:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm a person that expects excellence in everything that I do.
Thus I'm always so caught up in my own mental distraught when I'm unable to achieve something I set out to do.
I hate this feeling.
Every single time I set out to do something, I have to complete it, otherwise I'd be left hanging and I cannot move on.

I just want to lead a more, normal, proper life.
I feel like I'm really trapped here.

I'm too far behind to catch up.
I've no motivation to do so either.

I think I'm giving up.

Chinese New Year

2012-01-26T02:31:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. (:

Well it's been a long time I've blogged and I guess it's actually relatively weird that I'm blogging now.
In that, everyone should be taking the opportunity to gamble and eat and all.
Oddly, today I slept for 3 hours in all during my visiting,
and now I'm actually in the room alone, listening to emo songs sung by A-Lin feeding my remorse and regret.

I finally realise that I actually still fear whatever that I've been tampering and dabbling with, and let's just code-name it "G".
And now I perhaps have my whole future at stake because of G.
I might have lost all my future...
I thought I was ready to face all that shit in that world.
I thought I was controlling the situation in that world.
I guess not.
And now I've no idea how to clean up the mess I've gotten myself into.
I guess, I actually saw it coming, so I'll just live it through whatever complication comes my way.
And I guess to everyone else, sorry if you've lost all faith in me as a person should this issue complicates.

This aside.

Due to recent events. I've grown to realise how much I actually love every single person in my life right now.
And I want to apologise to several for taking us for granted.
I guess the first one that's on my mind, she's a great friend.
And now we just aren't the same as before.
I'm really sorry.
I want it all to go back to how it was before.
But I well know that it can never.
I'll mention us in a post soon.

And well yes, I realise I am really thankful of my class right now.
I have the greatest people standing beside me all the time.
Us supporting each other and holding each other close.
It was terrible of me to even have thought that I am now dispensable from the clique.
Everyone has a part to play.

--

只是哪怕周围再多人
感觉还是一个人
每当我笑了
心却狠狠的哭著

给我一个理由忘记
那么爱我的你
给我一个理由放弃
当时做的决定
有些爱
越想抽离却越更清晰
而最痛的距离是你不在身边
却在我的心里

(Even though there are many people around, it still feels like I’m alone
Every time I smiled, my heart is crying bitterly
Give me a reason to forget the 「you」 that loved me so much
Give me a reason to give up the decision that was made before
Some love, the more you want to pull yourself from, the more clearly it gets
The most painful distance is when you are not beside me but is in my heart)

Pre-chorus and Chorus of 给我一个理由忘记 by A-Lin.

Sigh.
Sometimes.
In a friendship.
You give so much, hoping for things to get better.
But they don't.
And when eventually you decide to give up.
You realise that you can't do it.
Cause you still cherish them.

--

My journey towards A's since the start of the year hasn't been good.
Even now I can't complete my homework.
I think the worst part of it all is that when you look around you, and everyone you see is either studying for SATs, or they have long completed the work and already started studying.
And these people worry for having not enough time to study.
Whereas I am still here wondering whether I'm going to try to complete the holiday homework in time for submission.

It's really hard to get back on track really.
I've been trying since Sec4.
I know it can't be done easily.
And to be honest I'm in a worse state than I was in back then.
And now the competition is much tougher and there's much more significance as it determines the course and the university you'll be admitted to.
Sigh.
People just say you need to help yourself, or you need to seek help from others.
But really I think sometimes you just have to admit it's time to take a back seat and realise that you're no longer in the competition.
Perhaps it's time to venture down a new path.

I really don't know how my mental well-being is.
I'm definitely not doing well.
For I am having oddly irregular mood swings.
And determination and focus to study at the wrong times.
And at the same time, I'm still not getting my priorities right.

I seriously do need tuition actually.
I know I have no self discipline to achieve anything.
But at the same time I'm refusing to allow myself to lose all free time I have.
Sigh.

---

The 15 of us who mostly didn't know each other before the Taiwan Immersion Programme came together, thrown into a foreign school. 3 students from each Junior College.
Thinking back, it was really a whole lot of fun.
And it felt really innocent.
We weren't out competing for results.
We got close cause well all we have is each other.
I love that feeling.
Sadistic, perhaps. Selfish, maybe.
I'm just really possessive of relationships.
And I try to hide that cause well I know it isn't a good thing.
Perhaps well, that's why friends/relationship matter so much to me.
That it bugs me every single moment of my life.
To cherish it.
To not let it slip through my fingers.

I want to feel this feeling all the time.
The feeling of being irreplaceable, needed, wanted, loved.

It's really bad wanting such things right.
I'm sorry if I'm scaring people.
I've always been keeping this side in check.
And I will continue doing so.
I don't think it's a positive trait.
It's really evil.
I have no authority to demand for unwavering attention and love.
There are other people in this world.
They have their friends too.

First day of J2 / Tiffany Gui

2012-01-09T23:53:00.000+08:00

Today is the first day of J2!
We had "Homecoming 2012" and it was disappointing actually.
Was expecting much more.
But well, many schools didn't have a nice day off to start of the year already heh.

-

Tomorrow's Open House. Really looking forward to meeting juniors there tomorrow.
And definitely hoping for juniors to join me in RJ and yeah in CO so I can have some company ):

-

Went back to CHS today after Homecoming to give some support to juniors collecting results.
Watching some cheer with joy.
Some crying.
Some holding back the tears.
Some accepting fate.
I just slightly regret wanting to be there cause I felt so helpless.
Xuan Ming at least could comfort them and make them feel better about the whole situation.
Well. I hope my juniors all do well in years to come.
Approach me any time if you need help ok? (:

-

Tiffany Gui, my dear friend gave me feedback regarding my blogposts.
Saying that it's unfair that I dedicated an entire blog post to Greg.
And so...
I'll be doing dedication posts to certain people in my life from now on.
These people are really the most awesomest people I could have ever asked for to enter my life.
I really do look forward to another great year with them, and definitely even more to come as well. (:

-

To start off...

TIFFANY GUI! <3

We arranged to meet up and take a picture together! (Awwwws)

If I'm not wrong, the first time we met it was on the train home on the circle line.
And dearest, you let me meet Wen Wei HAHAHA.
Well but that's besides the point.

Had a whole lot of fun bitching with you, laughing with you,
Discussing about how people are, how the school is like, how we're both coping.
You're always there giving a whole lot of support and encouragement!
I think you're righteous in your own sense and stick to your morals faithfully.

Thanks for always believing in me, like how you thought I was gonna become the CO Chair hahahahaha.
Thanks for always believing in me, like how you comfort me in that I'll be loved for being who I truly am.
Thanks for all the "I know right" moments cause those are really cool when we feel the exact same thing, cause we know we can totally click haha.
Thanks for making an effort too in maintaining our friendship and always being so hyper and positive whenever we get to meet.
Thanks for reaching so deep into me when my faith in RJ was almost diminishing, and reigniting my passion, my enthusiasm, my trust, letting me believe again that there are sincere people that truly exist.
Thanks for introducing me to your circle of friends too! Like Pamela, Jac.
Thanks for not minding me being around when you're actually looking forward to some peace and alone time with Yi Long.
Thanks for loving Yi Long even more than I do. (:
Really glad that you two are together. (:
Here's wishing you all the best!
There's really much more I could say but I can't exhaust them, and the rest sound so superficial and like cliche! Please understand there are still cards and notes for me to write to you in the future so I shall end here HAHA.

This has so much more meaning and significance than my post to Greg yeah? (:
<3
(But this doesn't mean I don't love him anymore :x neither does it mean I don't love you too! Haha!)

And yes, can I say "Thanks for deciding to stay in CO" too? Cause really I cherish my friends. (:
I have millions and millions of thanks which I will fail to finish saying to you. (:

I LOVE YOU TIFF!

Greg

2012-01-06T03:17:00.002+08:00

First visit to A&F. :D
Awkwardly wore this white Raffles Tee with the PE shorts to Orchard on like a last minute dinner appointment of sorts.
Then went into A&F. The door we went in from stood this amazingly cute guy.
Who's like 185 probably with the nicest [shoulder length : waist : height] ratio and muscled body.
Was contemplating as to whether I should get a polaroid cause I AM A GUY and probably deemed awkward ><
Then I met Dyon! Who swung his shoe bag to hit my ass. LOL
And he told me he was the best looking of all the guys there today.
And without browsing the shop I already agreed HAHA.
MANSLUT MAX.
Then yeah decided to get a polaroid lor.
Actually my friend's in the picture too.
You can roughly see his shirt sleeve by the left rib on the hawttieeeee.
But well. For my personal glory's sake I had to cut him off LOL.
(Thanks for taking me there (: )

ANYWAYS I left the shop smelling like the cologne spammed in the shop.
And each time *eyes light up* I sniff my hand I would be reminded of him LOL.
And can I add that I went home and played around with the polaroid and realised I could sniff the polaroid! LOLS
I SOUND SO DESPERATE.
OH OH OH and I realised that this was the cologne I had been looking for!
As in, I smelt it off someone (LOLS SOUND GROSS) like on the street or something
and was trying to find it every since.
At least I think it's a less-concentrated one of the A&F shop cause the polaroid smells like the scent I'm looking for.
HEHEHEHE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHAT TO GET ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
LOL.
But seriously I don't know whether I'll use it anyway after getting it.

Oh can I add that this guy's from RJ too!
Muahahaha realised I have a lot of connections to him and I ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK.
MANSLUT MUCH.
AND HE ACCEPTED HAHAHA.
(Y)
HAPPI BOI

But I think the sluttiest thing was still uploading the photo and TAGGING HIM ON IT.
DESPITE BLATANTLY OBVIOUSLY REMOVING MY FRIEND FROM THE PICTURE SO IT ONLY FEATURES ME WITH DEAR GREG. <3

--

OKAY ENOUGH RAVING.
Oh dear.
:X

Sigh. It's really great fortune and great blessing to be born good looking.
And of course with a body like this (I mean you do have to train but some people have it easier)
Sigh.
Sigh.

Sigh.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T05:06:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year.

I guess I take my angst post back.
When 2012 arrived.
I felt something inside of me change.
Like a switch just got turned on.
Like the scales of fate tipped in my favour.
Like the first rays of Sun broke through the darkest clouds.
And I suddenly remember how much I've been waiting for 2012 to arrive.
I can't say why, I don't remember why.
I just know 2012 has some significance in my life waiting to be realised.
I know it's good. It's positive.
I feel like surging through every single blood vessel of mine.

It's like how I know deep down how things will turn out.
I somehow know 2012 will turn out well.
So I'm actually quite positive about how the year will go for my path towards the end of A's.
Just that I know I'll have to put in effort.
And somehow I know that if I put in the effort I'll definitely be content with my achievement.
Somehow that's what I'm certain of.
I know it's not typical of me to make such bold statements in fear of being made a laughing stock of such a bold statement when my results end up rotten as hell.
But oh well, I'm just saying it's a gut feeling yeah hahaha.
And my "well" in my sense really isn't a perfect score.
But still, who doesn't seek a perfect score.
I'm going back in circles here again.
Trying to act humble, and inferior and yet at the same time serious about wanting perfect scores, just fearful of admitting it in the event of failure.
But okay. I'm here today, beaming with confidence, and I want to look back at this blog post and realise that anything, ANYTHING, is possible as long as I put in the effort.
Along the way throughout this year, Jin Hong, should you ever look back, look at this post, and be reminded why you are where you are, how you are where you are, and don't even look further back cause everything will change from that point forth and you will be reminded of your priorities and of your situation and you know all you can do is to continue running forward and then after it all you will be able to take a break for 2 years. You will enjoy the process. You will relish every second of it all. The sweat, the breathlessness, the love, the craziness, the competition, the thrills, the anger, the jealousy, the envy, the sweetness, the bitterness, the relationships, the people, the tests, the teachers, the subjects, the notes, the words, the music, the school. You'll look back after it all and not hold any ounce of regret, for you have made up for every misgiving you inflicted upon yourself in 2011.

Live, Jin Hong. Don't give up now, then, ever.
Live for others, and most importantly yourself.
Balance your maple life, your music life, your studies, your relations.
And you'll survive and outlast.
For you have a heart brighter, warmer, deeper.

I see it now.
I see hope.

-

01/01/2012, 5.05am

ngjinhong (:

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:59:00.001+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR READERS!

Everything will be better this year.
I can feel it in my blood.
I've been waiting for 2012 to arrive for a hell long time I don't remember why.
2012 just sings my name.
I'm gonna make positive changes this year.
I'm gonna be positive.
I'm gonna succeed in things I set out to achieve.

Fate has definitely tipped it's scales in my favour.

(: Cheers!

Last day of 2011

2011-12-31T16:04:00.003+08:00

So what if it's the last day of 2011?
So what if tomorrow's 2012?
So what.
Every single day is the same shit isn't it.
Whatever routine you have today you'll have the same tomorrow.
So why is the last day of 2011 special at all.
It doesn't spell anything special.
It just signifies another year of shit has passed and even more's coming up.

--

Resolutions.

Get everything in order. It will solve everything.
& be happy. It sums up everything.

--

I'm tired of all the games, thrills, disasters, celebrations life have to offer at this moment.
I don't really wish for it to change.
But I wouldn't mind it to change if the people around me are happier if I were to have a happier outlook during the events.
Which to be honest that's what I've been doing all the time haven't I.

--

I'm going Kiat's house again today.
Whenever I think of it I still remember what my mum said 2 years ago when I asked,
"We're going his house again right?"
Probably taking this gathering for granted.
How long more will this last.

--

OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENEDICT!!

--

.

Happy Birthday Jesmond

2011-12-26T21:53:00.001+08:00

I just realized that after I came back from Taiwan I haven't been blogging at all! So time to keep up with some stuff...

Ok so the end of Taiwan trip I didn't cry at all. Extremely weird eh. Me crying after the first 4 days and then at the end of it all I wasn't crying when everyone else was. The Taiwan trip made me realise how fortunate I am in Singapore and how much I love my life in Singapore.

-

After that I went to sentosa with my family for 3 days. And then MBS for a night and watched wicked! Omg it's real good go catch it ok! Amazing vocals. Amazed by how seamless the sets on stage change in front of your very eyes. Favourite. All time favourite! "Defying Gravity". It's like the anthem and I personally feel it covers the whole storyline. Oh and I must say I extremely HATE TRAGIC HAPPY ENDINGS. It's like. It's quite a happy ending but then at the same time there's much tragedy, regret, and how am I supposed to smile. Painful ending.

-

And it was Jesmond's birthday chalet!! Was really looking forward to this from like the start of the year la. Went there with my all time best friends Mun Yuan and Benedict. Met at tanah merah mrt. But I was going to be late so I was almost running and racing for the train. And in the end I reached earlier than them LOL!

As we went up the escalator I oddly recognized Gary. And we just went *stares*... "Eh!!" hahaha. And Ashley (Jh) was with him. Awkward but in the end it was really okay haha. Could talk.

Headed to the chalet on the shuttle bus and yeah as expected I was kinda belonging nowhere cause there was the acjc group, the chs BOB, the chs 4-1 and the maplers. Really grateful I had mun and Ben with me.

Really had a nice time catching up with Mun and Ben. Realized how much I missed them ouch.

And was introduced to the maplers there that day haha. Some had no reaction. Some had shocked reactions and ya thankfully there were no "fuck you!! + a slap or punch into me cause I didn't flirt with any there LOL!!

Decided to stay over cause wanted to I guess get to know the maplers. Really had a nice time actually. Felt like just a group of old friends gathering together just enjoying talking to each other. Of course I'm just there listening most of the time haha. Glad they didn't paichi me or anything.

And I must say I felt quite bad that I didn't like drink for the forfeits cause they were playing drinking games and such and I've not started drinking / tried drinking so it's better if I didn't too >< Sigh. Need to be introduced to being drunk/alcohol soon. 3 more months :X

--

I typed this yesterday and forgot to post this lols.
Maybe I shall post something after 12 (which means after PINKBEAN :DDD )

__

Ohhhh and yes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESMOND <3

Taiwan Part 12

2011-12-12T00:41:00.002+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 16, 11/12, 10.30am

Yesterday was quite a bad day. I woke up before he did and I just started preparing myself and started usin the Internet. Then he said we're going out in 20 minutes.

His dad drove and brought us to this place. Wan gu Liu fang I think. To see the change of guard duties. But I've seen it the previous time I was here. And with my discontent I didn't bother hiding my disappointment. Later we just went for lunch and reached home at 12. Where I slept and woke at 4pm cause they kept talking about me. Like "should wake him up now; shouldn't; we can leave at 4:30 it's ok" that sorta thing. Obviously I woke up right. Retarded.

After dinner which was at 5pm, he just started whispering to his mum and I could see he wanted time alone. He then walked off with his sister and the mum started walking so I walked with the mum. That was their intention. The mum didn't even explain to me what we were going todo. Or where they went. So I was back in the house at 5.30 till 10.30 and I didn't know whn he would be back or where he went.

His parents didn't give me an explanation. All they did was bug me and disturb me when I'm making calls in the room.

So Yeps that's the whole of my day yesterday. And I just realized that Thaddeus Rachel tszhin Amelia went out yesterday to ximending I think. Could have been out with them. Didn't know there was a meeting.

I'm on the train now heading to the location where we're meeting today, the neihu people.

-

This morning I was again reminded how an irresponsible rude selfcentred leader u are. Oh well who cares.

-

With tomorrow being Monday. The last night in the hotel. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I mean. I was really hoping it'll come ASAP the past few days. But the nearer Monday impends the more I don't want it here. It just means more we're parting sooner than expected. Sigh. I take back my words. Of wanting Monday to come. Wanting the night in the hotel. I don't want it now. I don't want it near. I don't want it at all. At least it means we could still find some way to meet up more easily.

I can just imagine myself now. An emotional wreck that night. Contemplating whether to continue crying in the room or go outside so that no one would know.

By giving so much just hoping for the same reciprocation, will it bring about more pain. People don't really realise yeah sometimes. How much a person contributes to a relationship. How much hope a person harbours for one. How much importance a person treats it with.

Whenever I'm lonely with only the phone's screen reflecting my thoughts. I wait for the phone to ring. To see your texts. Or a miss call. To know that you're lonely too without me. To know that you're not having fun without me.

To be honest I tried to live without you. But I realise everything I'm doing now just seeks for us to be together again. Every time we meet I get a new lease of hope that you need me as much as I need you. But every time we're apart and I see updates on your twitter, Facebook, and/or blog. I know I don't really exist or come to mind at all.

This will be the exact same situation once we're all back in Singapore. I want to be able to say "I'm sorry it turned out this way". I want to say "it's all my fault for everything that's happening now". But I can't cause I've really tried everything in my power and to put it selfishly you have to do your part too.

I know I'm not needed anymore cause there's that person now. I doubt I'd get to run away and hide somewhere with you and fear getting caught and for someone to spoil our peace anymore tomorrow.

-

7.45pm

It was an ok day today. Going to jiufen and then going to someone's house for an hour. Basically lots of time wasted traveling. It was ok. At least I went out.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's just my dislike for him that make me pick on everything he does and his family does. But then again he's weird. Ok let's not bother anymore. We're leaving him soon.

Taiwan Part 12

2011-12-10T00:33:00.002+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 14, 9/12, 7.35am.

I didn't blog yesterday. A reason is cause my phone was out of battery on my way home. So I couldn't like use my 'free time' to blog. But yesterday was just a normal day I guess.

Except the overwhelming sense of familiarity with Benedict. (: I've known him for so long. Since p5. But we haven't been keeping in touch as much since sec3 where we went to separate classes.

Of all immersion programmes I've participated in, the only thing in common of the three is that all were with Benedict.

He was the first of my friends that started mapling with me. He was the one that played maple with me during our peak too (2008).

We were in the same class in lower sec too. And we sat together for more than a year. And after that he shifted to the seat behind me.

To be honest I don't have as much of the bitch-factor to talk to him. But yet we can still talk. And confide. And care and look out for each other.

I've such a great friend. And I'm glad the immersion came to remind me of this. If not it might have just faded away as we grew apart. Now I'll just remember to try harder to keep "u" and "s" together haha.

-

This morning I'm blogging cause I'm just feeling the oddly overwhelming sense of emoness. I decided to take my mind away from the hosts by plugging in my ear pieces. And songs that I'd rather listen to today were all those of separation longing and regret. I'm quite sure it's related to the trip.

I was actually thinking. Why didn't I cry during the sec 4 Eoy. And during results and when we were all going to different schools. I dont think it's cause I don't love them as much. But probably perhaps I know that I can still meet them cause we're bounded by something so much more tangible.

For the people in this Taiwan trip. After this Taiwan trip will we still keep in touch? Will people still have the capacity within them to hold both emotions and academic pursuits at the same time?

I know it's just thinking too far ahead or thinking too much. But can anyone really tell me we can make time to have all 77 people in the same room anymore.

What about the nice people we've met overseas? It's so hard to have a sudden close relationship with anyone you met within a week, who is someone with a complete different cultural upbringing and mindset.

And even if we do keep in touch. Will it be for the purpose of getting to know the person so much more to the extent of being like close friends? And what's the point of it at all. Perhaps a friend to visit when we go to the country again? Don't you fucktards tell me for business opportunities.

I don't know. Friendships seem so intangible the more and more and more you forge along the way. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. Like when you have a few close friends. They are everything. But when you start making more friends you want to try to become good friends with them cause they deserve it as a person and you like them for who they are. But then at that stage will they be willing to reciprocate, cause they already have their decent acceptable number of friends. And once you do people of your past move on and you might not have made new friends to fill in the cavity of loneliness.

In the end. Who are really your best friends. This terms has already been somewhat forsaken in the people especially boys of our age. With no constant reassurance that they still regard you as best friends, I feel somewhat "attention seeking" and fearful that im now alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Because I give my all into people I know I can go beyond as acquaintances into friends, and good friends to close friends to best friends. But sometimes I don't feel that constant reassurance that I need to overwhelm my senses of inferiorities.

Perhaps that why I felt the way I did, 'Justin'.

Taiwan immersion. Day 14, 9/12, 10.32pm.

I'm on the train now. Just boarded from Shilin. I've no idea why I'm feeling rather empty with anger of the hosts brewing inside. Benedict and tzehin and buddies went to get Chao da Ji pa from Shilin. And I went all the way to Shilin and didnt get to eat it. Cause he has to go home fucker. Take a cab home la for gods sake. Tomorrows Saturday bitch. I cant wait to be rid of him forever.

Empty probably cause I just left the group and now I'm alone again. And knowing the connection between the nicer befriendable and worth befriending taiwanese and singaporeans I've interacted with and want to interact with, is about to be broken soon.

And sorry. Fuck! What the shit is this. He's black facing me. Nvm. But I just got killed. He made me get onto this bus so fucking crowded and he got on before I did. What if I got trapped outside? Not that it would have been a problem. But then what happened next I was super pissed off. I was standing on the base steps of the door and then the door closed rubbing and pushing me. And I almost got caught in the door? Fuck? And the bus moved. And I was there at the precarious position where should the door open id fall out or the door opens and catches my clothes and skin into the door. Fuck!?!?! Then I was standing there facing a guys belly. And smelling him for 10 min + not being able to move. Seriously. Fuck this la. The buddy isn't making it better.

Anyways. Today I didn't buy anything again sigh. I did see clothes la but I didn't dare to buy. I'm not ready to step into the world of fashion and like apparel and all. Cause once I'm in I can't get out. Sigh. What am I to do with the way I present myself in public/work next time.

Much rants of me and the retarded host on twitter done there and then so I'm just lazy to repeat it. I'm telling you all im super pissed off. Sigh.

Taiwan Part 11

2011-12-08T00:12:00.002+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 12, 7/12, 9:59pm

I'm now stupidly waiting in the mrt station for him to appear. And I am actually super tired. And my stomachs hurting. I don't think I'm having diarrhea or stomach flu cause I didn't vomit. Just have incessant stomach aches. And there seems to be an endless supply of shit. I probably am losin weight cause I'm digesting nothing.

I don't see why I cant go back on my own. I can already recognize the road home. Im good with directions ok.

Anyways. I often say that the toilet in his house is the only place of solace and it's true and that's how I felt so I hid in there for as long as I can.

And this morning I just realise how it isn't a place of solace cause the family can still irritate me.

The father goes "guantingguantingguantijg" fuck you la you don't have to shout ur house is fuckig small. And he bitched me when I was in the toilet today. And the mum just wakes him up an not me. And she's do irritating. When I go back to sg I will have nightmares every night of this wretched hell. Can't wait to get out of this place and return to a life of a somewhat more solitary one.

Every single day by blogging I'm like reminding myself how long it's been and how long I've been away and how long more till im gonna be home. Sigh. I want to do so much. Read. Watch shows. Play maple.

Omg shadowers have changes! I dont really think its good at this moment. Shall wait and see. So tempted to go back into the game to play with Jes.

I'm still feeling super awkward at times and u feel I don't fit in with people. And I really wish to change that. I still feel so inferior wherever I go.

Taiwan Part 10

2011-12-06T22:57:00.003+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 11, 6/12, 11:19pm

A one day trip for all Singaporeans today! We went to a museum which according to Benedict contains the treasures stolen from china :O

It was super boring. I've been there before. I just turned the audio box off. And for awhile had the audio in my iPhone hahaha. Once I sat on the chairs are the tour leader which is the moe guy was being a bastard. He came to ask me to stand up but I was already listening. Nvm. He's a bitch. Irresponsible. Incapable. If I were his boss if fire him already. He just cares for himself and his reputation and not like for us. What tour leader is that. Useless crap.

Then we had paintball! Which I got hit twice on the same spot on my arm and I got blue blacked! Definitely not a game worth the money and worth the bonding for cause it's so randomly shooting. Unless there's some professional game la.

Today I had a super unexpected news. And another one too. Sigh. Both my 4year cca mates didn't tell me directly.

Not really in the mood to ramble on about the conflicting emotions and all that shit. Perhaps another time. My problems seem to be never ending.Or exaggerated by myself. Overthink the issues.

Taiwan Part 9

2011-12-06T22:57:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 10, 5/12, 9:30pm

I just have to accept it. I'm not in wushu anymore. So just stop thinking about it. I'm in co and I'm learning the piano so just concentrate on that and studies. I'll need to consider my fitness soon too.

What's most important to resolve for me now is my identity. I know I've mentioned it a few times already such that even I get bored reading it. But still it's not closed yet.

Today I guess I can finally come to terms that my break down pre o levels was due to my argument with weekiat. The cold war was about him saying something related to lim Seah and i felt that my Ren ge was insulted or something. I don't even remember already. It's great that we got back together as best friends la.

He has been like pushing me to excel in studies since sec 2 and I guess towards the end of prelim 3 I lost it cause he wasn't there to like push me? Then again that cant really be the reason for my demise. More of like. I already had pre existing problems just that weekiat was keeping me together and reminding me to stay focused for O's. So the argument just made me snap that's all.

Cause now we're already friends again but I'm still in pieces for studies and all. So like ya definitely not cause weekiat isn't here to pull me by the nose that like I'm lost without a direction now.

I need to pick myself up once I get back to sg. Studies and fitness. Omg. And piano and Yangqin. Ok. 4 things is definitely manageable.

I often laugh at myself. If I could make myself sit for 17hrs a day infront of the com crying and still making myself play maple to reach 200 like every day for a whole month. Why can't I do that for studies and my other important stuffs haha.

-

I'm really fortunate to have Amelia with me in neihu. At least we have each other when everything else seem bad.

I was just sharing with her how I felt it was super tiring to have like an emotional roller coaster on this trip. It's like. Heavens making a fool of us. Having his thrill watching us feeling the way we do. He split us all up. And then make us have a reunion. Then split again. And a reunion. Like gosh. Why can't we just stay together as a Ri group.

As in I'm glad I was given the opportunity to like make new friends. Like sg people from neihu. And of course the Taiwanese that went to Ri and those in neihu. But still cause everyone else seems to still think of their own friends. No matter how hard I try it's hard for us to become like close or at least good friends. We just don't have much time.

Taiwan Part 8

2011-12-04T22:36:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 9, 4/12, 10:38pm

RI GATHERING!!!

Yunan, Persis, Jia Wei, Ren Jie, Shi Kang, Kimberly, Hui Ling, Amelia, and Singyi came.

That's 10/12 attendance! For taiwanese. Only singyi renjie shikang Kimberly's buddy and my buddy went though.

Oh and great joy. The tour guide came too!

We went to sing karaoke first. Which was super high and the Singaporeans soon burned out. Good thing the Taiwanese were there haha.

After that we went to eat tauhuay and Xiao long pao. Gosh the Xiao long pao was good. We kinda had a free tour guide today in that sense ;P cause he brought us around hahaha.

Then he brought us to the night market which had Bingtanghulu like finally yay. And the takoyaki was amazing.

The rest were frantically shopping and bought loads of stuff. I didn't buy anything at all. Which I think it's cause I just have no interest in shopping ba. And also don't dare to shop. And at the same time don't want to buy random useless stuff? Quite sad actually ><

I actually wonder why too, that I'd wish so much for gui de to be around. Initially he didn't want to come cause he felt it would be awkward with the buddies around. But yesterday he called and said he doesn't mind going if the buddies and us are ok with it haha. Glad that he turned up really ((: and he brought some cute pudding for us. Which was kept in small water balloons. Unique.

Actually there are reservations. Like. Is he actually that nice a person. Or is he doing what he's doing cause its his job. But after today I'm quite sure he's indeed nice. Cause if he was only doing it out of obligation then he would have avoided today cause there isn't a need for him to give himself additional burden.

I am not trying to like claim the credit or anything but I'm glad that I was the go-between and like I contacted him and he agreed to come along. I think everyone enjoyed him being around.

Though the situations of "everyone else but you I having fun" comes along quite often but I don't mind cause when everyone else is having fun I'm glad. And I'm glad I was able to aid in that happening.

I guess this is also an acceptance on my part to learn to accept things that come your way at times and that sometimes you have to take the back seat and let others have the centre stage. And even if you have fun, the rest may not be having. So it's great that everyone else had fun.

I'm not saying here that I was super sad today or saying that I didnt enjoy today. But it's more of like I often get jealous when others seem to have fun when I'm not. And I did have my share of fun too la. So yeahs.

Sometimes you may not be on the centre stage but your presence as an audience is also crucial. Otherwise how would the performer perform right?

I always want to be the performer too to be honest yet again. I always want the centre stage. And most times I get upset when I even just leave the spotlight for a second. But I just keep it to myself cause I felt it was super embarrassing and ridiculous to want the attention all the time. I'd be an attention seeker. And I guess yeah now I realise it's always good to come clean and just voice it cause it makes you able to clear thoughts up in your head cause you're typing it out. So it's easier to like register and like really have the incentive to think things through.

Sigh. I wish I were a better person. Like of a perfect character. Without imperfections. Without reservations. Without doubts of myself. I have great friends with me who make me feel I'm a great friend too. But I feel self conscious. I feel that I'm not great a friend.

I'm just not like the better people who have something to give. I have nothing to give really sigh.

Taiwan Part 7

2011-12-04T00:05:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 8, 3/12, 11.59pm

Today I woke up at 9am and went with him to a school to watch their school anniversary. Turns out he's there to just see/support his "girlfriend" which to me wasn't ba. Probably just a girl he likes. Weird much.

I went to buy a pair of qingzhu and it like comes in pair at only 350 taibi so less than 17 bucks. The stall I went to really sucked. Didn't see anything special or liked much.

Then I went to Wu Fen Pu which was some shopping district / distributing district for clothes. And so I was there with three other singaporeanas and their buddys. I didn't buy much cause I was slightly paiseh of entering the shops and trying stuff on i guess cause it's really too crowded. And I guess cause I went out with people I only knew for three days. And one of them actually only one day.

I guess I had fun in a way that I experienced it. But still I kinda wasted my time la. Just be honest with yourself Jin Hong.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow cause we're going to have our RI-meeting! Yay! Hope we'll have much much MUCH fun. ((:

Taiwan Part 6

2011-12-02T22:46:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 7, 2/12, 11.59pm

(PS I wrote this on the bus ride home haha so a bit messy but yeah more heartfelt slightly?)

Today we went to neihu to have lessons again and Yeps had a lot of fun. Definitely with the nicest group of people I could ever find to be with in neihu since we could not be with the full Ri group. Bitchy gossipy fun loving bunch. I really see us becoming great friends in the next remaining week of us being together!

Then we went to the hotel for the welcome ceremony but I must say omg I was so excited for it and I was really expecting myself to cry.

We were late and I think we were the latest group there. Then upon arriving I immediately headed to the group of green black white and I was extremely thrilled when they just hugged me spontaneously and called my name. I just wanted to cry there and then. But i didn't. I rushed off to go change and caught up with them later.

Then I heard everyone was really waiting for me to arrive. I was really glad upon hearing it. I hope I really am a great friend. I am really touched that some of the Taiwanese were actually waiting for me to arrive too. Sigh I'm really happy. I have such a great group to be with during the trip.

Then I went to talk to yunan and hugged her. Apparently she couldn't go with us to the zoo on Sunday. I tried persuading and everyone tried but she djdnt want to upset the buddy. Sigh.
I almost cried then too. Then she told me not to. ><

Then I went to look for Persis too and yeah we both started laughing cause my years were coming hahaha.

And I was extremely happy that the tour guides came really. Apparently they rushed all the way down cause they were leading a group before that. And laida said he even had the smell of BBQ on him but I didn't smell it haha.

It was just a moment of saying I miss you and I love you. And all sort of stuff. Almost cried seceral times. But I realized that the mood this time was weird. Cause it was a happy occasion. Where everyone was intending to actually play and have fun- the Taiwanese mainly. So the mood was weird. Like really weird. We all just stood blankly looking at each other. Sigh. Cause we know it's almost time for us to part and yet at the same time it wasn't really. We still had time. Little time... A week... Sigh...

The guides say perhaps they might come to sg in march together. Omg!! This is exciting news! Im just hoping it won't be the prelim period. Then we can hang out go out and everything. And hey... That's nice I'd be officially 18 by then! Muahahahahaha.

At first I tot ouyang didn't recognize me but oops he did! Took a picture with all guides now I guess. Except the photographer. And 1 photo is sadly with the guide cause I didn't use my phone. Oh dear I'm like infatuated or sorts? But no. Hahaha. I'm just glad I decided to go on this trip you know.

From something where you expected complete chaos and upset and awkwardness and wifi-less, there was wifi. There was happiness. There was exuberance. There was familiarity. There was peace. There was us.

I wouldn't say every single one of us that went on this trip cause really I didn't interact with every single person. But every single one whom I have met as made this trip happy for me. Thank you.

Really it felt meaningless to stay on in Taiwan if I were to be there alone. But I realise that no I'm actually gonna be with everyone and I'm making new amazing friends all the way. I have an amazing tour guide team, I have a great group of friends from RI who are always there for me, I have super nice people with me in neihu, I am just feeling blessed much more than ever now. I guess I'm learning to cherish everything I have? (:

I really hope I can do some one last thing for everyone but I hope I can do so and have the stamina to do so.

Taiwan Part 5

2011-12-01T23:41:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 6, 1/12, 11.41pm

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I haven't had the time to sit down to type this. I'm now back to the buddy's house.

And sorry for the post being slightly. Non emotional cause it was slightly rushed out and not typed on the spot.

Yesterday was the parting. Where we were already super emo at the old train station when we took photos. And we were already all emo. Sigh... Then we went for our last lunch together. By this time the guide was already acting weird la to be honest.

After our lunch we went up the bus to the next location. And on the bus three emo songs played together. Na Xie Nian, Dai Wo Zou, and Gei Wo Yi Shou Ge De Shi Jian. omg. How can such songs be played in succession at that moment. I just started crying on the bus la. Singyi probably knew and she didn't say anything. But when the bus stopped I told myself I HAD to try my tears so I stopped crying. Then Jia Wei came over to hug me when the bus stopped. And my tears were welling up and I didn't say anything. He didn't say anything too. He didn't need to say anything. We all knew.

It was kinda the last time we can go out together as a group. Have a meal together. And have time to just sit down and chat. When we go back to Singapore we really don't have a chance to gather together anymore.

When I managed to calm down, J upset me again. To an extent I was filled with anger. J said "sorry guys i'm going with my ___ friends cause I won't be seeing them anymore after tomorrow. bye" - and I'm like fuck? What the shit? You won't be able to see us too isn't it. Seriously.

And there we gave the tour guide our gift. And took a few more pictures. And a polaroid which he placed into his name tag. And then we split up into the various schools already. It still wasn't too bad at first. I was just emo. Upset. That we won't have anymore time together.

At night it definitely got worst cause I suddenly felt like wanting to go home. Which I haven't been feeling after I got here and went on tour. I wanted to go home so bad. And I almost cried again in the bathroom when I thought about everything. Sigh.

This morning we went to their schools and changed into the uniform. And the Singaporeans going to Neihu with me are all nice too. All of them seem like nice and great people. And I have "2 classmates" during class attachment too YAY. Haha. Blessed me :P

Today after school we went out with the Neihu singaporeans to a night market and I guess there was much fun with like everyone. And I'm glad Amelia did too. I know we were all quite upset that it's all ending.

It's really quite meaningless to have memories of the trip if the fellow RJ people weren't part of it at all really, I really am happy for all the memories. And thankful for the amazing team and tour group I have.

Also my back and shoulder is aching from typing this now cause I sit on the bed to use the com and do anything else so I am so irritated but urgh nvm.

And talked to a HC girl and realised she cried yesterday too and speaking to her about I had chills all over and my tears welled. Lucky I didn't cry again. And then I am thinking now. I'm probably gona cry again tomorrow. How cruel. They let us come together then tear us apart again.

Tomorrow is the welcome ceremony - I'll be getting to see u guys for a few hours. (:

Taiwan part 4

2011-11-30T20:20:00.002+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 5, 30/11, 10:35am

And as usual I'm on the bus. Last night was great. We watched an aero acrobatics performance by a Russian troupe I think. Stunning. Makes me wish I still was so flexible and everything Haha.

To be honest yesterday we were intending to stay up as a school but half of us fell asleep before 12. The other half then went to another room which was filled with laughter and sorts till 3.30. To think in a way this would already be the last time we can be together sorta. Cause we won't have another opportunity to really stay together the whole time anymore in Taiwan and I was just wondering whether we will still have regular meet ups after we return to Singapore. I'm glad I got to know jiawei more. Well cause we didn't really talked much in Chs.

Also... We're splitting up with the tour guides already. Sigh. We decided to write a card for him and so it's being passed around now in the bus. My handwriting was terrible oh dear.

Oh and I can whatsapp my tour guide! Perhaps the rest too but I don't really know them la Haha. But all of them are real nice. They remember me from that day and still smile at me when we pass by each other. Sigh. Really nice bunch of guides. Will really miss them.

Taiwan Part 3

2011-11-30T20:20:00.001+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 4, 29/11, 2.31pm

Once again I'm on the bus. I apologies for not blogging yesterday. There wasn't much of an opportunity to. Yesterday we had quite a long traveling journey. But the guide played burlesque for us! Much excites haha. We had a lot of time spent walking around the places of interest too.

First glad thing I can remember haha. On the second day's hotel we all went into one room and practices our performance item. Then there was much laughter and joke omg I love us haha. Then we ended up smacking and playing cards or just slacking. We heavily exceeded our bedtime but really no one cares. :D we were all enjoying ourselves.

Second thing was that we realize that bamboo shoots (zhu sun) is a drug that makes Amelia and me HIGH! the bitch mode turns on Haha. So we kept laying a whole lot.

Third thing was that in the morning renjie suggested we swapped seats in the bus randomly such that can get a fair chance to seat with different people. So we drew poker cards to decide on the seating. I was really quite glad when we did this cause it really gives us a chance to bond closer together and get to know each other more. It's like these initiatives that make a difference and it doesn't need major large scale cip events and recognition. People just k ow the effort you put into things. And I mean, it's really great. (:

On the third day's hotel I was super disappointed as in not at the room really. In fact the state of the room was a pleasant surprise. The outside looked like those Chinese temple like states. And there were red Chinese lanterns hanging all over the place. But the room was big and comfy (:

Again we went into a room, all twelve of us. Out of obligation... DEFINITELY NOT. Like really I that everyone was willing to forgo sleep to enjoy the time we have together. Even despite being very tired haha.

But the room didn't have wifi -.- as in perhaps for my room it wasn't working well. Sigh. So then I decided to go to the restaurant. Cause when we were there there was wifi. So I headed over and I realized at the lobby have wifi so I sat there with the guided who were already there. And we just started chatting. They are really nice people! And then we started to talk about a certain topic and they decided we should go to their rooms to continue chatting! And they got really excited... O.O but in an interesting way la haha. Enjoyed chatting with them too. They were nice. Offered me food they were eating( which j rejected haha) and gave me milk tea sachet and sweets also.

And it got kinda late and I was thinking the ri people were practicing the dance so i went back first. In the end they were not and we played indianpoker and contact. After that a few of us star gazed for like half an hour. Was really pretty and relaxing haha. A few weird and almost frightening stuff happened but was probably nothing in the end.

Then so far on the fourth day. Sightseeing. And also we are now heading for the hotel. There will be a time to shop at the night market today so I'm hoping to eat!!

Actually wondering whether I'll be able to chat with the guides again. Was fun la haha. Also it's the last day tomorrow that we'll get to see the tour guides. Cause it's the end of the tour already. Sigh.

Also means there'll be no more time with the ri people. And at the same time. There'll be 24/7 "bardeeeeee".

Despite having both "bardeeeee" and GUI-DE to be both "gentle" I'd rather be stuck on the tour bus cause its more fun with the guide. Sigh.

Must say I'll miss the guides on this trip with us this time round. Have never felt connections with previous guides. Maybe these few are more convicted?

Perhaps.

Taiwan Part 2

2011-11-28T01:15:00.000+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 2, 27/11, 6.02pm

Once again I'm on the bus. Now heading towards dinner/hotel location. After that we'll apparently be having some stargazing activity? Wonder how that will be like.

Now I'm just thinking, it'll be quite bad if I end up posting three posts today won't it. But oh well. Makes up for the lack of posts eh. Haha.

Today has been good. It's been quite fun really. We went to a nice place which many of us initially thought was some cultural village to like learn more about the culture there, of the smaller minority groups. But in the end it turned out to be some amusement park!! Much excites and please haha.

Apparently the theme of the theme park changes regularly like once if a few months. And it was the one piece exhibition. This time rounds. It was an amazing place. It really made me want to watch one piece all the way from the beginning. Thus far I've only caught certain episodes of a certain like major events. Like the period where chopper and robin joined the team. The part where merry died. The part where Frankie joined the team. Sigh these few scenes have been really touching I remember wanting to cry when I watched it with my brothers. )):

So yeah I'm actually wanting to watch the whole series now! maybe I'll do that when I get home from taiwan! And I bought a feline pieces related stuff. A deck of play g cards. And three keychains for my brothers. And there me jiawei and Yunan ended up just doing ding stamp booths to finish up a stamp collection to obtain a keychain! Which we completed Haha and didn't play the rides much :x

On the plane to Taiwan I actually thought a bit of how I'm feeling nowadays and I thought that yeah it's cause I really don't want to let go of some things in my life that causes me to have cynical tendencies, bearing grudges.

Wee Kiat didn't want to be a 'bitch' or a 'scheming cunning' person anymore. Thus he put in a whole lot of effort to change this image he has formed in Chs because people he interacted with him and of certain things that ha have done. And when he wanted this image to change he realize that whatever he has done is still following him and haunting him. Cause people still talk about it and spread rumors because they don't want to give him a chance. And I must say I have been guilty of not wanting to give him a chance to change cause I couldn't get why he was trying to change this impression cause I didn't really see the need of him in doing it to be honest. But now I see the fruits of his labour. He's a changed person definitely. A much better person to people around him. I'm glad for him. He seems happier now. And he's able to get by the small things that give him additional stress and take up his time. Thus he can out in more effort into his studies and his commitments too.

I guess now I see really what it means to move on and be able to eat humble pie. Sure it is hard. Definitely it is hard. Wee Kiat took such a long time and made a huge effort to change.

I'll do my best. To learn tolerance and to be able to accept the flaws people have. And not bitch about them and such. I realize that it really is hard for someone to be able to accept that he is wrong and needs to change. And even harder to change it cause it's really in the nature or subconscious mind?

So yeah that's why I'll aim to do. First starting with giving the best effort into this Taiwan trip! We have much to do. First hype up ourselves and each other! I'm good at that. Definitely good at that. We're all here to have fun and I can't deprive people of that chance to have fun. and I'll have more fun anyway if I want to be happy.

Yeah i guess it's the want to be happy and feel happy most of the time? If I. Not wanting it how will I do tha then. But seriously it's hard?

Perhaps from the start of the year. Let's start gong thru the major disappointments.

First: orientation.

I had high hopes for rj after orientation and I must say that I was majo rly disappointed after that cause initially i thought that the school had some hope. That the people were really nice and they were sincere and everything. Warm inviting and welcoming. In the end as the year progressed you see the worst side of people and the general trends. You see how politics are so much more worse in jc. You see how some people can disregard their friends or even making friends just for the same of results and achievement. You can see some people only putting effort into a cause or studies cause it is significant. Or there's a Need and use for it. Like raffles diploma. And for a distinction. They can organize cip events. Joke. People do it for a cause and in the end you're doing it for a cert. Empathy sympathy everything doesn't come into consideration when results matter does it.

Secondly CO comm

Who doesn't know I tried for chairperson and I'm not afraid of saying that here. I was utterly disappointed of the politics played and of my post. I felt I could do so much more. And contribute so much more. And I was certain of doing a better job as chairperson this time round cause I felt so much regret within me to make a change for Rico the way I didn't manage to for Chs.

My juniors and seniors and batch mates actually told me I did all I could viewing circumstances like longs pregnancy and like the concert being postponed. But I really still think I could have done something more in my capacity. If ony I had guidance really. Sigh.

Thirdly rjco And the distinction between jae and ip people.

Initially I felt that there was no difference being jae and ip cause of initially circumstances. But as time went by you realize that really jae people are slightly under appreciated and misunderstood. Maybe ill go into this another time.

Fourthly. Pw. To be honest.

Fifth! Exams hahaha. I'm in a terrible state now where I really need to put in much more effort. And also like me beig unable to adapt to the environment I guess. Environment of how studied are carried out. Hmm.

There are probably more and thats all for now.

Also I'm beginning to ramble slightly. Probably like point or something. To be honest I actually only started typing this cause I took a nap and my contacts got real dry so I felt io should stay awake a while more to hydrate the eyes first back to sleep! If I can ! :P

Taiwan Part 1

2011-11-28T01:02:00.000+08:00

Taiwan immersion. Day 2, 27/11, 8:29am

THANKS FOR LENDING THE IPAD TO ME FOR ONE HAhahaha.
So I can Type this out now. But seriously who uses the iPad to blog on a trip uhh. More to play games isn't it haha. But I didn't download many games before leaving and I actually don't have any interest for the games ):

Woke up at 5 to prepare and leave for the airport soon after. Dad and mum went along. Then my friend was there too to send me off ((: gave me a teddy bear :D

Upon arriving at taiwan at about 1.30? We then headed to one of the participating schools to assemble and there we met the buddy's again. (buddy...) and then I reached his house at about 5. I then changed out and did some minor unpacking then he brought me out to get a prepaid card for Taiwan use.

After that I went to have oyster meesua!! Haha. And followed him for his church lesson. Was almost falling asleep. Felt bad about it But I guess it wasn't so cause many of the other students there were falling asleep too haha.

Then we had a mini sharing session in their small groups but I politey refused to take part cause it felt weird. Oh and to mention... Their prayer method was rather weird. Cause they started yelling making weird noises chanting Murmuring weird words which to me didn't seem like a language. Maybe someone could enlighten me. He's a Christian actually. I think thee might be such practices in Singapore and I'm not criticizing it like a non-believer. But I'm just curious really as to why use such like chants as your other? To be honest so me the people chanting appeared to be having fun chanting and yelling. How do you actually reach to the gods then. Are they actually thinking of arayr when they are doing the chants or are they having fun. :x

I then went out with him his sister and three of his friends for supper. Tauhuay and fried chicken. The Tauhuay was weird. It'd Tauhuay with like the topping you choose. Which was peanuts and they had shaved ice on it.

I reached back his home at 11.30 and then rushed to make a call using skype to my mum. Then I went to bath and then chat on whatsapp and Skype and slept.

I am now on the bus heading to the first sight seeing destination.

I've had time to do some thinking about my life thus far and perhaps I'll blog that tonight in the comfort of the hotel room and bed.
(oh dear my room mate is shikang and Russell. RUSSELL!!! Hahaha. Time to do pt ): )

Tiredness.

2011-11-19T23:38:00.001+08:00

Today RJCO had an interaction activity which invited raffles institution, raffles girls, Chung Cheng main, Victoria, st nicholas and catholic high. Chung Cheng and victoria had stuff on so they couldn't come. I think there were 20 sec fours today. Not many but at least it's enough for the interaction to still take place.

I was glad that aspen, ruowei and banxu turned up. The photo in the previous post includes Yi long too. They really made me look forward to interaction and gave me a reason to be there. Otherwise I would have complained and complained and complained.

I'm still not home and I'm typing this on the iPhone cause I'm waiting aimlessly at a restaurant now. The crazy things a person can do... Huh... Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this. Sometimes I wonder why I try.

Interaction made me hopeful of the juniors coming next year. If the people I've interacted with join next year id be super delighted. Then again. Those that didn't turn up for interaction probably would still join co for the sake of being in a cca.

I'm really hoping miracles do happen. Ok really hoping for the juniors to be so much better to change the name and image of rjco.

Nothing will be the same really. The music, the people, the bonds. I guess that's why we shouldn't never waste our secondary school life. JC is far too complicated in many angles.

I really hope that I'm wrong at times, about the judgement and conceptions I make of a person from the first second of interacting with the person. But I guess I'm right.

I'm not bragging here but I'm right. And I hate being right on this. Cause it just shows how sad a person is. And how sad my life would be.

I'm not making sense. Not even making even more sense than previously cause in tired and I'm typing on the phone. I'll blog soon.

RJCO interaction

2011-11-19T20:03:00.001+08:00

Blessed with amazing people in my life.
Thanks CHSCO!
Thanks Aspen, Ban Xu and Ruo Wei (:
Yi Long (my crush) too (:

-

Gonna be out tonight. Will post tomorrow. Love you all. (:

11.11.11

2011-11-11T00:28:00.001+08:00

11.11.11

--

Project Work 2011 has finally ended.
It concluded with the final segment, Oral Presentation on 10/11.
I guess PW has been a fun process.
I've learnt a lot of life skills.
To be honest, right after the Oral Presentation, I felt as though what our project was, what we were advocating for means completely nothing at all.
It wasn't a complete bullshit - whose project is.
Just that we don't sincerely care about what is the long term effects of our suggested strategies to be honest?
And also, we don't really intend to carry out the project anyway.
Sad truth I guess.
PW in the end still hinges on the Grade.

--

Seen him suffer for 28 hours already.
At least can expect another 60 hours more till a winner emerges.
Who wouldn't want for their friend to win right.
But at the expense of health it is pretty worrying.
Many of us now feel as though we can't survive a day without sleep already.
Imagine 5!
I guess the only thing I can do is provide moral support!

The competition is a 100-hour movie marathon held at NEX at the area outside fishandco/converse there.
So you can't sleep, move from the seat, zone out etc during the movie.
You have 5min breaks between each movie and a 15min break after 3 movies.
Despite having free flow of coffee *screams* and KFC, the thought of it is still quite traumatising isn't it?
Wonder if like the shop keepers recognise me or something for being there hahaha.
I don't think I'm that extreme already, being there all the time.
But I've been there quite a bit to be honest. :P
Tried making it for the 15 minute breaks when I can so I can chat with him for a short while.

--

I am feeling pretty relaxed now that things finally come to a momentary halt.
Next week onwards the remedials kick in and I'll definitely need to start putting in effort cause I've not much time this holiday.
Firstly, the holiday only lasts 30days...
And 18/30 days will be spent in TAIWAN. Worse of all, SUFFERING.
Oh dear.
Maybe I'm just reluctant to go thus I think of it as a pain but sigh.
I don't want to go into it.

--

I love 3E really.
As in, maybe the class is smaller? Maybe there is more "relative free time".
We have so much fun together.
We have lunch/meals together so often.
We go out and have fun together so often.
We celebrate birthdays for everyone in class.
Sigh.
Compared to 4-9 (sec4) - not that I'm complaining! I love 4-9 too! - it's a whole new level of class bondedness.

In sec4 to be honest it's really clique-ish and we don't have recess together even.
Sigh. Perhaps the class was larger too.
But I did enjoy the randomness and the fun ((:

3E brings about something different.
A sense of like play hard, study hard? (shit where's my "study hard")

--

I don't think 3E's class outing tmr will be taking place. (hopefully whooops)
Cause want to sleep in haha and lunch with weekiat!
Excites.
Haven't had time to get together in awhile.
((:

--

I feel blessed knowing you.
Let my 11.11 wish be that it'll last till the end of time.
Right on this special day 11.11.11.

ily

2011-11-09T02:03:00.002+08:00

Things happen at the most unexpected times;
and when it does happen, you can't really stop it.
At that moment, you'll make a decision.
To me, it's somewhat like what life is all about?
The decisions you make and the following, resulting effects.
Whether the effects are for the better or worse, no one really knows.
And that's the interesting part, and the frustrating part too.

If only life were simpler.
If only it were more straightforward.
If only "mistakes" never exist.
But that's not possible haha.

So well, after reading till this point, what's the point I'm trying to make?
I don't know.
It was an entire rant that just came.
I guess, it's about uncertainties.

Today someone brought up to me that I am completely uncertain about myself.
I don't have faith in myself at all.
And I can't take things with a pinch of salt, every word matters.
So when I fail in something, I begin to think there's no hope at all.

I guess this is something I can work on for now.
Perhaps this is related to my studies.
(:

--

Winds carry the chime's cries for freedom.
The hanging chains grow from the ground.

Falling to

2011-11-08T00:45:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it's the funniest when you can give advice to others yet you don't give them to yourself.

-

Funny how I let someone whom I don't really know use me sometimes.
And allow for the seconds.
Why do I stupidly do stuff and only after that, regret my decisions.

-

Why do I allow my life to fall to pieces.

Weaknesses

2011-11-06T11:02:00.001+08:00

Mariah Carey

This weekend I'm feeling more free so well I'm in the mood to blog.

So what has been happening these 2 months...

1. Promo exams

I did better than I expected. Which is very bad. Cause I got

GP: C

Math : B

Econs, Bio, Chem : E

Sigh.

It's not TERRIBLE and it's not EXTREMELY GOOD.

This is the problem I guess.

Cause it doesn't act as a "wake up call" neither does it work as a "motivation".

Especially after the results were given out and it was told to us that we promoted,
I completely lost the mood to study AT ALL. (Not that I had much before that too).

Which is bad cause there really is an importance and need to study during the holidays this time.

I've not been keeping up with my work and there's so much stuff going on.

Freaking Taiwan trip will take up half of my only-1-month-holiday and really I don't want to go.

I need to start studying - I've been saying this over and over.
But I really don't know what's wrong you see.

2. CO-related issues.

I'm really at a loss now cause I was so adamant on making a change initially.

But then I had another sort of "set-back" so now I'll just back away.
Yes I think that's what I'll do.

3. Class.

Sigh. I'm sorry.

I thought I was trying.

And trying my best.

And tried my best.

But I guess it wasn't enough.

Some realisation became clear to me recently.

About our perception about a person, and how far we're willing to give that person a chance.

You all know I'm critical, judgemental and everything about a person I've only interacted with for like what, 1minute?

And you can't really deny that most of the time, MOST of the time, I'm right.

You can't deny that most of the time I expect something to happen.

You can't deny I probably already know what's going on.

Even though I wish I could deny. I really wish I could. And all the problems will be reduced.
Definitely not resolved, but reduced.

Ignorance is bliss.

Sometimes perhaps you'll find that I've not looked at things from your perspective.

Perhaps, sometimes, I did. And I'll admit it when that happens.

But sometimes I have crawled into your skin and walk around in it.

And I can't comprehend and accept such situations.

I've thought about the possible repercussions of a head-on confrontation.

I've expected certain outcomes.

I'm willing to take everything in. And take it upon myself.

Cause all along I've been sorta doing that.

It's the best way out at times.

Cause less people will get hurt.

And sometimes, please understand why I chose to give up.

It's not me losing faith, it's just be accepting that change is not within my capacity to uphold.

Delayed post.

2011-10-23T18:06:00.001+08:00

Delayed post. Typed this like last week but didn't post cause wasnt done but then am tired to continue it and should continue blogging.

The song I'm listening to now as I type the post.It's a yangqin concerto that I kinda like - and I'm learning now. Perhaps hoping someday I'd get a chance to perform it. Haha!Though really, it might be hard to get a chance to, and another thing is that I might not be able to find a chance to too. ;XSighs. Well, I thought it was apt to play this song in the background as I type this post. It's regarding the apparent CO-War as "some" might have referred it to. I will not go into details. But I guess in the end, to me, really, the root of the problem isn't solved yet. The only mutual understanding we've came to is that it's not a problem of a personal sorta nature. Just my disappointment towards the abilities and results of the current chair.

2011-10-21T23:38:00.001+08:00

It has been a painful and tiring week.
I just got home and really do have much to say.
But I guess that will have to wait till tomorrow.
Cause I'm really tired.
Tired.

Questioning

2011-10-18T23:55:00.001+08:00

I had always believed that the littlest actions or behaviour or tone of speech can tell a lot about a person or what is happening in a situation.
Which is why I came to a conclusion that I've lost interest in studying.

Each night I would stay up till very late.

One, cause I don't feel like sleeping. The silence is beautiful.

Though I'm utterly bored and have nothing to do.

Two, hoping I'd fall sick so I won't have to wake up tomorrow to go to school.

Then finally when I have no choice but to sleep otherwise I would die in school,

As I lay in bed, I would think, perhaps I shouldn't go to school tomorrow.

Which, for the past 2 days I felt unwell but in the end I still went to school.

I wonder why actually.

Out of obligation?

Out of commitment?

I don't know why I'm going at all.

I'm not really enjoying school as much as I did now.
I'm dreading to go to school.

I have difficulty waking up in the morning (but this can probably be solved if i sleep early)

I just want to stay home and rot.

Then on the thought of that, I would feel retarded.
Cause I'd really be rotting.
I have completely nothing to do at all.

I am already so bored everyday.

My mum keeps nagging, you should be doing work this and that.

But seriously I don't feel like touching a shit.

Cause I really can't be bothered.

And I have no more mood for this.

Why make myself go through suffering to like memorise stuff when I can just rot out of boredom instead. Both, are sufferings which are indeed painful, but the earlier is definitely more tiring.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do really.

Sometimes I'd think to myself, why am I still "wasting" time on piano lessons or going to CO prac cause I've already kinda know that I will definitely not pursue a career in the music direction. So why still practice, so why still learn, so why still bother. I might as well spend this energy on like let's say studying, isn't that right?

Sometimes I see classmates/schoolmates ponning school.
Yet they are the ones that do well, or at the least do better than me in studies.

I guess that's the determining factor.

Even if you have the worst character or attitude.

Or the least sense of responsibility.

Perhaps. PERHAPS. All you need is to be willing to study.

And be selfish to ensure you absorb more than anyone else you have competing with you.

Ensure that you are doing more than anyone else.

Ensure that you're not losing out in any aspect.

I guess I'm just not in the right frame of mind at this moment.

I really really really don't know what I'm doing now.

I don't know what's wrong.

In lectures I can completely turn off even though I'm not dozing off.

I just don't bother to make an effort.
I really am tired of myself I think.

It's like a vicious cycle that has already been set in motion.

1. Slack

2. Cannot catch up with work

3. Tired cause hard to catch up

4. Tired of trying to catch up

5. Tired of trying at all

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....

What else. Not putting in effort to practice.

Not putting in effort to like really do anything at all.

I'm just seemingly trying to destroy my own health and life here.

I just hate it now.
I don't know what's going on in my life.
I don't know what's going on around me.

I can be there, but my souls drifting off all around at I can exist as an empty entity, just answering to the desires or basic needs of survival, answering to the people around me.

Empty.
Empty.

Empty.

The same word that really comes to mind when I am made to "reflect".

But I want to live, I'm quite sure of that. Cause every time I manage to see a 11:11, I'd wish for happiness.

Like without hesitation, completely sincerely, I'd just automatically close my eyes and clasp my hands together, and mutter, "Happiness".

That's all I seek now.

That's all I seek now...

Meaning

2011-10-16T02:27:00.001+08:00

I'm not that great as a person, obviously.
I've many flaws.

1. The greatest one is probably of me never accepting that I've done something wrong.
Whenever something wrong happens, I might try to shirk responsibility.

2. I'm extremely petty as well, and always cannot get over the fact that someone dissed me.
Just today, for example, I got so pissed off just cause 2 stall owners dissed me. Till now, actually, I still don't think I was entirely wrong. What happened was that they couldn't even hear the orders I made? And I've read out their entire food's name. And then they still didn't get it, but I point at the signboard, and they said they don't know what I'm pointing at cause they can't see. Please, omg, it's your stall and your signboard, you should know better. And they said after that that "next time when you order, just say 'mixed'." And I'm like thinking, if you want it to be called mixed, just call your product that name la. -.-

3. I might be attention-seeking.
Perhaps I excessively and obsessively divulge every single thing happening in my life so that people will continue to be interested in what's happening (though nothing much) and perhaps still continue talking to me. And perhaps act concerned over what I'm going through mentally.

4. I have too many unachievable aspirations.
I constantly think about the possibilities I could achieve. Studying more, practicing piano/yq more, mapling more... And I want to achieve every single one of them. For my own personal self-fulfillment. Perhaps I ask for too much and I'm not putting in any effort cause I don't wish to give anything else up. And because of that, I keep not wanting to give anything up and I don't get anything done cause I wasted the time weighing the pros and cons to decide what I should do.

5. Too egoistic.
Till now, I can't accept the fact that I don't have any leadership position I guess. I didn't even try for council, so don't talk about that. But I failed to become the CO Chairperson. But in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't at times, cause I have no capacity in me to love RJCO and treat it as something that I am willing to give my all to. I -perhaps- too just can't accept the fact that I'm not "famous" or "high-profiled", but seriously, I've never thought about this. I really don't think I'm the high, out-going type that needs the fame and stuff. But recently I've been growing jealous of the life others lead and as I reflect on mine, I find it dull in comparison.

-

5 is enough for today.
I've not been blogging recently and perhaps this is the reason to my building tensions in me?
Or perhaps cause "life's returning to normal" in the sense where everything's back to being even more messed up.
I don't know what I want know, I don't know what I'm trying to do out of my life.
At least when people decide "I'm going to party and play" they go all out at it.
What about me?
I stick at home, whining about how life's been unfair to me, cooping up in the room trying to imagine nothing else is happening in the world around me.
I just don't know what's my next step now.
I'm sick of telling myself "just study and move up like everyone else" cause I'm getting nowhere with this mentality.
And really, I'm sick of studying cause it's meaningless.
Really meaningless.

Fading ability of acceptance.

2011-10-11T23:36:00.001+08:00

When you are misunderstood and misjudged what would you choose to do?

Perhaps to the people who you dislike and I mean really dislike,
You will see no point in saying anything at all because you will still be judged no matter what.
Or you might fight back just so you can see the person suffer instead and eat his words cause he has no right to criticise you.

Perhaps to the people you care so much that you are afraid of losing their friendship
You will fight so hard just to prove your innocence.
But sometimes people get tired and just decide not to say anything at all because they are really tired and expect you to trust them naturally like they do to you.

-

There's a fine line between positive criticism and distrust I guess.
Perhaps that's why I'm offended most of the time.

-

Time and time again I've tried opening my heart out but I guess no one's ready to embrace it cause they are still tightly holding on to their past.
I guess it's not a wrong thing to do because it is your life, it is your choice.
But perhaps I can be here to remind you that by holding on to your past, you're giving yourself more pain and at the same time hurting the people who try to reach out to you cause you shut yourself in.

But I guess we can look at it from another perspective - it's just the school.

-

Similarly, the first rehearsal of the many to come definitely needs to be taken seriously.
But perhaps way too seriously by the majority?

-

This kind of reminds me of Mr Mac of RJ - the white "ghostly" human figure.
It's great that he surfaced.
Cause it reminds people that things are happening around you even if you aren't aware of it.
That things are beyond your control.
That things sometimes are beyond your understanding and you just have to accept it.

-

A few weeks ago at my last counseling session I thought I've more strongly come to terms with what's going on with my life; having more acceptance to the situations I'm in.
But I guess I'm losing it again.
I'm not content at the way things are.
I'll never be content.

--

NOTE: you know what, i'm tired. i know it's the only word i keep repeating these days tire tire tire.
But really i'm tired. and for one, i apologise for not refining my posts nowadays and risk giving the wrong impression/accusation.

Repeated Disappointments

2011-10-10T01:32:00.001+08:00

It really feels like a lonely war nowadays.
The feeling arising from like.
Okay I can't sum it up in a few words so it's just gonna be like BOOM in your face.

At first it feels like everyone was supportive and all but then it ended up like they wanted their own stuff too and this and that, and like I'm left with myself to clean up the mess. And I've even to make amendments to the arrangements just cause they weren't bothered to read their email, like seriously, disappointed.

Oh well.
But I guess such stuff always happen.
It's just that I'm sick of stuff not going my way, so it feels even more irritable to me?

--

LIKE HOW I SPENT 200 CUBES YESTERDAY and Melinn's range didn't improve much.
Only by 1k.
But seriously. 400bucks for 1k range is stupid.
Argh.
Sometimes I don't know whether I should train up another character instead, wasting so much of my time/money/effort and I'm getting nothing in return.
Sighs.

Post Promos

2011-10-05T00:36:00.001+08:00

3rd October 2011 : Last paper of PROMOTION EXAMINATION.
And immediately after that, class 3E went straight to East Coast Park to cycle LOL! Well, the night before we decided that yes, we're going to have an outing, and I was googling to find out the possible cycling route and all sorts, and where is suitable for us to go if we intend to catch a movie too. Then I completely couldn't study. Was quite upset about it. It's either cause I felt confident in promoting with the previous tests already or I couldn't be bothered about chem cause I really don't understand a shit or I was just too excited about the outing. Then in the morning I checked with Sharm and she said she was googling for dining locations for our outing! HAHAHAHA. And right after the paper she came to me and we started screaming and laughing about the things we didn't know during the paper.

In a bad way, we're both bad students. But in a more positive way, we have each other to like help each other improve and like have remedials and sorts together so we can work towards A's in a less stressful environment. But well, basically when we got to East Coast, we had a lot of fun cycling. Initially we wanted to roller blade but the prices were such a scam. D: And then we decided to cycle instead then, cause it was much cheaper. OK NEXT TIME GUYS, WHEN WE GO OUT AGAIN WE ARE SO ROLLERBLADING AND FALLING DOWN TOGETHER AND LEARNING TO SKATE TOGETHER OKAY!

I felt very naggy-ish throughout the whole thing cause I felt that I was disrupting the fun from everyone ): Firstly I rushed them out of Burger King, all tired and hungry without having our dinner or decent rest yet cause we were rushing to Tampines. Then I was kinda nagging them not to buy KOI and sorts and rushed to buy tickets first. Sighs. I feel bad actually ): Really hope everyone had fun. (But I think we did? A great thanks to Wansh for screaming all the way.) I think the best thing Wansh gave to us that day was when we were watching Johnny English Reborn (is this the right title?) the slightly scary part she screamed "FUCK" and everyone in the theater was laughing hahaha.

I guess that sums up the outing to EAST COAST PARK. It was really fun ((:
THANKS: Yingx, Sharm, Rach, Wansh, Kheeming, Bryan, Ben, Joseph, Sunlin, Sydney for going for the outing! I'm almost like saying as though "thanks for working with me agreeing to come with me" LOL! but there isn't a need to thank actually. And I wasn't really the one organising it this time round. But still I feel like I really need to thank you guys, for without you all, there wouldn't be our class (:
<3

--

It seems as though I'm about to sink back into Maple.
It's quite a tough decision on my part, really.
Firstly because I've spent too much money.
And so if I were to just quit and breakaway I'm gonna put that money and effort to waste.
Secondly, if I were to continue playing, I'll need to spend even more money.
So it'll be an endless cycle!
Terrible!
Sighs!

--

Sometimes, I'm reminded why I would have been the better choice.

Refinement

2011-10-03T00:36:00.002+08:00

I guess what I'm really worried about is.
How I'm going to move from here.

-

Whether I'm able to pick up my studies again.

Tired of RJCO.

2011-10-03T00:29:00.000+08:00

At this moment I'm feeling very disappointed at the state I'm in.
I used to want so much to do well, to exceed expectations.
And now what?
Yeah I'm not meeting expectations, but definitely not exceeding any.
In all aspects I'm not performing.
Studies, attitude, etc.

Even compared to those that I would never have expected to do better than me, they are doing so much better. Oh well.
Come let's analyse what caused me to be in this plight.
(Well of course the main factor is myself. But let me point some fingers for the sake of it.)

1. Change of environment I guess. CHS -> RJ is quite a major jump. Demoralising one to an extent?
2. RJ syf and concert. Took up a lot of time. Thinking back I could have chosen to be like a few of the rest and just pon. But seriously. It's a responsibility thing. Since I'm part of the group, I have to put in effort right. (But at this moment I say I regret giving so much. Really.)
3. RACO. I must say some people can even not go for practices and only turn up for the 1st and the last practice and then go on stage. Seriously. Where's the responsibility in that. Why did that person even sign up in the first place. I guess that's why I'm so dumb to go for all practices. Cause I'm just so dumb and follow my principles and what my instincts tell me is right. But perhaps I shouldn't have joined so that I could have spent the Saturdays mugging my guts out. Then again,. if I didn't join RACO, I wouldn't have any motivation to bear with RJCO. (Yes hope you guys are reading this. Get what I'm implying?)
4. Psychological issues? - perhaps. but I don't really think it's the main cause. Like seriously. I don't think the counselling even helped much. Like it didn't give me the "I SOLVED MY ISSUES" kinda exuberance or like OHYEAHHHHH kinda feeling? I just felt like. Oh okay. I'll come back next week and see what else you can do. Oh well.
5. Distractions. Frankly speaking I don't have much distractions. yangqin? it's more of a commitment. piano too. and I haven't been practicing them frankly speaking. I've just been going for lessons. And wasting money really. Maple? I don't really think it's a distraction anymore. I don't really wanna play anymore. Really. Just that the thought of succeeding in such an easy way just tempts me. I really wanna succeed. To succeed in maple is so easy. All you need is money.

Every time I start mentioning maple I'll be like darn irritated cause I'm like I WANT TO STUDY OK. I don't know I'm just so confused right now. About what I am heading towards.

I can't believe it.
Me. A person whom once worried for the number of A1's I would get.
Now worry about whether I can pass sufficient subjects in order for me to promote.

What's the problem with me.
WHAT IS THE FREAKING PROBLEM WITH ME.
I'M NOT EVEN PUTTING IN ANY DECENT EFFORT INTO STUDYING REALLY.

I'm now so worried as to whether I'll buck up in time.
And whether there's even enough time in the first place for me to buck up before the A levels start.

--

On a side note I'm not looking forward to the resumation of CCA.
I just hate this responsibility as SL. Like seriously.
I don't even enjoy this job?
I don't even want this responsibility?
I'm like contributing to something that doesn't even matter to me.
So why am I contributing?
Furthermore the people I'm contributing to obviously doesn't give a shit as to the input I've been giving.
So what's the point, really.
I'm really considering bringing it up to the teacher-in-charge.
To rid me of this role.
I'll think about it further.
Sighs.

--

As of now, I'll just go sleep.
Forget about what's gonna happen in the exam hall for chem later in the day.
Excites for the fun there's gonna be during 12S03E's post-promo-class-outing at ECP.
And I guess.
I just want to use this word to sum up the blog post.
I've been really careful all these awhile with the words I use and everything.
But.
Yes, this is how I'm gonna conclude my post for today.

--

Fuck.

sick.

2011-10-01T23:26:00.002+08:00

Luckily it only started to become bad like on Friday afternoon:
My eyes have been tearing since Friday.
Throat irritation.
Blocked nose/runny nose/flu
Headache.

And when I try to take my afternoon nap I can't sleep cause of all the pain and all the ailments.
Even after a night's rest with panadols and flu medicine,
and frankly speaking it wasn't a rest cause I kept waking up to drink water/toilet/change position.
When I woke up in the morning I felt terrible.
Still having the headache.
Tried going back to sleep but I couldn't.
Now after having panadols again I'm still feeling drowsy/giddy.
Not feeling the headache but whenever blood rushes up to my head, yes I do feel it.
Oh I'm just feeling so wasted now.
I could have studied.
I swear, if I weren't sick I would have studied.

Oh how I wish I could just get better instantly. ):
I need to study for CHEM. I NEED TO PASS. ):

-

A whole lot of changes coming to Maple soon.
Real excited but still undecided and confused as to whether I should play or not.
I really wanna play and like deal super super high damage (that is with a lot of money)
but then at the same time it's quite boring already.

-

Frankly speaking I'm totally not looking forward to the Taiwan trip.

-

I will be quite lost after promos actually, I think...
Other than PW and the normal curriculum, I heard from seniors it'll be quite slack.
And I think I'll be in for remedials for all the subjects this time round, but that's fine. I really need it haha.
Will be good to keep up with some work too.

--

Should I return to maple. I really can't stand it when people are obviously doing better than me in maple LOL

--

I am not happy that I'm not doing well in studies too ;x

--

A lot of random shits coming out now cause I'm really delirious.

--

I LOVE MARIAH CAREY.

Halfway through Promos

2011-09-30T00:25:00.002+08:00

So far GP, Econs and Maths have passed.
GP is really hard to say but I guess I felt that I could have done better if I revised like some of the comprehension questions. Cause there were some similar sort of questions that I completely forgot how to do. And yeah, vocab and etc. I couldn't really grasp GP. Need to work on it.

Econs I must say I am hoping and wishing I wrote acceptable bullshit. LOL.

Maths was terrible. Overly complacent. But oh well it's over.
I counted the marks I should have about 40marks at least. If I'm lucky I might get around there, slightly higher I guess. I hope I pass.

I might promote based on econs and math I guess. *hopes*

Later is bio: and I was happily watching xfactorUS auditions and listening to songs.
I just can't really get myself to study for it. Like I know I'm gonna do badly anyway sorta mentality.
But I really want to do well.
Argh.
Internal conflict.

Over the weekends I will try. MUST try to work on chem.
Need to pass it. (:

I have a lot to work on from here.
If I want to juggle CO, Piano, and other interests, I have to keep up with my studies this time.
This year, all that was sacrificed was personal glory and the opportunity to take H3.
At least I still can work on it when I promote to get better results for the H2s.
So H3 doesn't matter. I didn't really intend to take also.
Oh well.
What's over is over.
Look ahead!

Desperate.

2011-09-27T07:08:00.001+08:00

I want to promote.
I need to promote.

I might not promote...

Overly Self-sacrificing

2011-09-24T02:53:00.000+08:00

I'm really quite screwed for promos.

But I really wanna pass this and promote.

I'll really keep up with my work next year. :D

Feeling optimistic if I manage to promote.

Though not for passing the exam.

Oh God please I need divine intervention.

I just can't stand it sometimes.

It disgusts me.

But for what I don't know: is it the jealousy that you're doing so much better, or is it cause everything you do goes against my principles?

I truly believe it's the later, really.

Why, you might ask, cause people like Khee Ming, Bryan and Rachel can remain humble.

That's why.

That's why you disgust me.

Cause you guys have everything in common - smarts, diligence, perseverance, etc - but you have something more.

An immensely inflated ego.

Come to think of it, it's not only that.

You just seek your own success and just ensure all you have is what you need to achieve it.

It's just so superficial.

But you'll probably never realise cause you'd always be thinking we're the superficial ones.

But please come to your senses here: birds of the same feather flock together.

Isn't it obvious that the people around you are also desperately clinging onto you for the exact same reasons you do to them?

Disgusting. Indescribably disgusting.

If you're feeling slightly guilty, and wondering "Could Jin Hong possibly be talking about me?"

you probably are not the one.

But if you think this way, it's quite amazing, cause you still have your conscience.

And it equally means that perhaps you should try to change your bigoted ways too.

I'm glad that Sir Sally is teaching us, to be honest, cause I feel that he fulfills his role as a teacher.

Though perhaps he doesn't satisfy the most 'you' seek - exam skills and such.

But he's amazing.

He keeps you intrigued during the lesson.

He engages us.

He makes me interested and want to learn more.

He gives us insights and stirs us to think and analyse, exploring boundaries we've never even thought existed.

Teachers like these, and I must admit many of the CHS upper sec teacher that've taught 4-9 are really inspiring.

They make the additional effort to fulfill their role as a teacher, to go beyond and stretch us beyond.

People often complain the education system is flawed in dulling our creative thinking but I think some teachers still do try.

Perhaps it's just me being the same old me: myopic, lack of critical analysis, lack of cynicism but that's my point of view at this moment.

I don't deny it might change. Might.

But at the moment, I feel so inspired to be a teacher as well.

Though I must say that the thought of the pay does not entice me.

I've heard an amazing song recently cause I was being a busybody and I saw that Azaac had a link at his MSN. So I clicked it. And now I have to share it.

Why

-Nicole Nordeman

From what I understand, the song is well, clearly about Jesus during the period called "The Passion" which is the period after he was arrested till the crucifixion. And there was a movie called "The Passion of Christ" and the clips shown in the music video is from that movie.

Here are the lyrics:

We rode into town the other day,

just me and my Daddy.

He said I’d finally reached that age, 
and I could ride next to him on a horse

that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting

and so we stopped to find out why

There was that man that my dad said he loved, 
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming?

Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?

I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows

Daddy please can’t you do something?

He looks as if he’s gonna cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys

Daddy please tell me why,

why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy

and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy,

boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering

if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,

I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds

to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.

Why are the faces of some of them beaming?

Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?? 
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows

Father please can’t you do something?

I know that you must hear  my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,

Father remind me why,

why does everyone want me to die.

When will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming. 
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming

but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own. 
Jesus this hurts me more than you know

But this dark hour I must do nothing. 
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry.

The power in your blood destroys all the lies,

soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes. 
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.

Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

--

To me, I don't think the composition was excellent

But I'm touched by the song.

The storyline (if I'm not wrong it's regarded as programme music?) flows

And it links each chorus to the next,

and at the end it links back to the start of the story.

Also, I'm not Christian/Catholic if you are wondering. 
The song is quite relatable to non-believers as well.

Well how I interpreted the lyrics in a non-believer sense:

 The decription of the girl being able to ride of a horse now,

to me it seems like an implicit way to imply coming of age and maturation of thoughts.

And for someone who is already an adult, or young adult for the matter,

sees the world in such an innocent way,

Questioning why the man many people loved was hated so much at the same time.

And they are even disgracing and humiliating him though he did not sin.

The expression of how people all headed to watch the crucifixion is quite disheartening.

It is quite relatable, again, to today, somewhat.

Though, my lack of general knowledge impedes me here,

But it is to me bestest knowledge that people still do act so: 
flocking to something when something major's happening.

Let's say a court trial when it's something significant.

It's the same thing as Tom Robinson's case in To Kill A Mockingbird, isn't it?

The innocent being blamed for something they didn't do. 
And the "majority", the "whites", the "right" ones always win.

(back to the lyrics)

In the second chorus, it is in the voice of Jesus that he questions his Father.

Which is seriously extremely heartbreaking, in my opinion.

And how his Father replies in the end it breaks our hearts even more, don't you think?

How in a case where you know you can't help someone,

and you watch someone you love suffer.

And then it brings up the point on self sacrifice,

where protecting the innocent, the young girl in this case from the introduction,

is the reason why sacrifice is needed in this world.

Cause I guess, to me, the innocent are always sacrificed to protect the well-being of others.

--

I love this song. We can interpret it on different levels, in my honest opinion, if we don't dismiss it just as another Christ loving song I guess.

No ill-intentions intended, if I do offend anyone regarding this touchy issue of religion. 
I really am clueless about Christianity and I'm just trying to put across what I've interpreted. 
Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm quite certain though, I shouldn't have offended anyone haha.

Cause I really respect the message brought across in this song.

No point in time did I mean to degrade anything.

<3 *hearts*

--

It's late. 3am.

Guess what.

I've had 2 cups of coffee and I was already falling asleep since 9pm.

I didn't do work tonight though. 
I must apologise to those who believe in me.

I just feel restless recently, as though I've burned out again - though I've not started.

I'll make the best use of my weekend. 
Promos starts on Tuesday and lasts till Monday.

2H2 passes at least. 
It should be manageable. 
I should do better than that.

2 H2 passes.

--

PS: Sorry for the slightly screwed up formatting for this post.

Chime

2011-09-22T12:13:00.001+08:00

What I need to accomplish before promos start!
1. Finish the two maths papers
2. Read through all the bio compressed notes and memorize
3. Read through all the Chem notes (can do during weekend before promos)
4. Read the english essays.
5. Econs answering techniques and read the notes for all chapters.

Shit. Isn't that the whole years work? How am I to complete it with only effectively 2 days left?

The Famed Clock Tower

2011-09-17T00:41:00.002+08:00

Today we were exposed to Independent Film Appreciation during GP by Sir Sally.
Yes, that's what we call our GP teacher. Ha!
And I completely agree with his analysis of and insights into the film.
However he brought up a point of identifying with a character.
And like he expected us to, I did relate to the elder sister as well.
However after listening to his analysis and I compared it to mine,
I got quite a shock how warped my analysis was.
But perhaps this is cause I only watched it once.

The film is "Stairway to Heaven" if I'm not wrong.
And thinking about it, my understanding of the sister was that:
1. She was indeed happy/jealous of the little girl being carefree. But notice I used the word jealous.
2. She did not try to stop the girl from "committing suicide", which is congruent to the idea of "jealousy".
3. The sister was always seen hogging the piano although the mum instructed the girl to practice. Which I think shows her desire to impress the mother.
4. The same tune was repeated by the sister showing her regularity and like how she's stuck in this cycle.
5. I noticed her shock face when the girl wasn't dead. Which I thought the sister did want the girl to die.

I don't know. It was probably a misinterpretation cause I only looked at the film once.
But if I was able to feel this way, it reflects quite badly on my own mindset, doesn't it?
How evil and sinister I interpret slight signs in choice of words and actions.
Hopefully I'm just looking too much into this and blaming myself for a wrong interpretation of the film.

I just had to mention this. I was terrified by myself too.

--

Same Old Cycle

The clock tower struck 11 P.M.; he climbed onto the bike and listened to the chains rattling as he tapped his toes against the ground. Once he reached the empty section of the track, he started paddling. This was so much easier, faster, and less strenuous.

The clock tower struck 12 A.M.; he reached the end of the track and started to turn around.

The clock tower struck 4 A.M.; he sees the distant bobbing heads and stopped in his tracks. He hesitated, took a break, and continued on after realising he would never be able to avoid them.

The clock tower struck 8 A.M.; again he reached the portion of the track with everyone else on it. He stopped paddling and started tapping his toes against the ground again, meandering past the people around him.

The clock tower struck 7 P.M.; he finally arrived home after an excruciatingly tiring journey home, and fell asleep, desperate for rest.

The clock tower struck 11 P.M.

The clock tower struck 11 P.M.

The clock tower struck 11 P.M.

Upcoming Promotional Examinations

2011-09-16T03:26:00.001+08:00

I'm to the extent, disgusted at how people are studying.
Perhaps it's truly disgust out of concern for their health and well-being.
But then again it might be disgust out of jealousy and fear that they will do better than me.
(which is most probably true)

I've never seen anyone or even heard of anyone studying in this manner.
Is this a Raffles thing or is this how JC people survive - or what JC people need to do in order to survive?
I won't know until I try it.
But I'm quite sure I won't push myself to such a great height when it's nothing but an internal exam.

But I'll definitely be happy for my friends who do well.
And whom deserve the accomplishment.

-

Every single day recently it seems like I'm reminded that I'm no longer in the nice-happy-place I thought this was initially.
Some get the worst moods after their glorifying stunts, thinking they're succeeding and everything.
But I think that's myopic and entirely results-oriented.

And just-so-you-know you spoiled my perfectly bestest mood in weeks just 15minutes after stepping into school.

Sometimes people are just so selfish;
that when we don't play a part in their lives we can be ignored entirely.
But you don't know how much this hurts another person.
We were concerned for your well-being.
In the end it was just a I-don't-have-to-be-bothered-with-you attitude cause you were obviously fine as seen from laughing and joking and being your usual self once you're back with them.

But I guess that's not the only example I've seen so far.
And frankly speaking I'm not the only one feeling so lost and cold in the 'vibrant' culture.

-

At this moment, I'm finally getting worried for promos.
As usual - just a week before the exams.
2H2 passes to promote appears easy.
But really a lot of work has to be done from today onwards.
I've so much to catch up on.
I've so much to study and read up on.
I've so much practice to do.
But I've accomplished almost nothing so far.
But no matter, I'm quite accepting of my situation at the moment.
All I need is to promote - that's all - for now.

Death Speaks.

2011-09-12T00:37:00.001+08:00

Where are you now, then?

"I picture myself in a foreign grass field. Alone. With the Sun in the blue sky. The wind softly blowing at me from the front. There's a tiny little orange flower swaying with the breeze too. I want to take the silence as a chance to think over things, but I end up having a blank mind. And the wind seems to beckon for me to head towards it. And I do. I don't know where I'm heading. I just know I need to walk forward.

"Sometimes I feel like there are millions of people around me at the same grass field. But they are all heading lifelessly, silently, towards a icy cold place. Why? I refuse to follow where they're going. But the flow just pushes me along. Everyone around me seems to have this warm exterior but deep inside it's so cold as well. It's so cold it hurts.

"I want to change that. I give so much of my warmth to bring people who seek warmth to me. When they're around, everything seems so bright as their flame is alight too. But their flames burn not for me. But I still have to try. But now I've burned out. When you give so much of yourself and you don't get as much back, how do you continue to burn, to provide warmth?"

--

I'm sure there's a slight change now.
I can feel it in the air.
I should be on my way back onto the track.
Soon.

Brink.

2011-09-08T00:02:00.001+08:00

For a moment I thought and I finally lost my sanity.
It's as though a string inside me snapped and will never be able to rejoin.
But it seems like it didn't.
Cause I'm still here - but for how long more I won't know.

-

I was colouring the whole A4 size paper black with my mechanical pencil.
Then I tore it up and flung it all over the floor.

I'm losing it.

...

I'm really losing it.

...

...

Hope II

2011-09-05T01:52:00.002+08:00

Lines from lyrics of "Someone Like You" by Adele.

"Nothing compares no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste."

A quote Cheng Jun gave.

周立波：“作为一个男人不可能不犯错，那你犯了错以后说你后悔，那你就不是男人了。所有的错在当时是应该的，所有的道歉在今天也是应该的。” 所以不会后悔，也不要放不下。

I guess sometimes things just will work out. (:

--

CHSCO ALUMNI GATHERING 030911
Uploaded photos of FB.
Had a really great time catching up with batchmates.
Quite excited cause I heard Alumni CO for chs will be starting soon and will get to know my seniors like how I got to know the RACO people haha. EXCITES! ((:
Hope everything will start turning out well.
Hope I can stand up again.
And walk out of this mess.
And embrace the future with my friends right next to me.

Hope

2011-08-30T23:24:00.000+08:00

An essay I wrote on the 5th of October, 2010.

This was probably the 3rd last essay I wrote before the O level Paper.

And the best essay I've written I guess.

I remember having positive feedback from Mrs Ling (my English teacher) and my classmates.

I remember at that point in time, I had so much fighting spirit in me.

At the point in time, I was so determined to do well.

At that time, I had hope.

(Disclaimer[?]: The essay is as it is when I handed it up to be marked. Did not edit it after it was reviewed. There are errors so perhaps, ignore them.)

Ng Jin Hong (28)
4-9 5/10/10
Composition : Hope

Another train had passed by. Andy satat his usual spot, on the wooden bench by the stairs. That way hewould definitely be able to see if she alighted from the train. Hehad been waiting patiently for the past six years but was soon losinghope. He had taken his wife, Carey, for granted and she returned toher hometown with their child. She wanted them to have some time inseparation. Perhaps, by then, Andy would have learnt from hismistake.

She promised to return but it hadalready been six years. Andy had tried to contact her, to no avail.She had moved with her family to another apartment – to avoid him,he presumed. All he had was a letter from her, stating that she wouldmeet him at the train station when she was ready to come home. Thus,Andy had been waiting there ever since, on the same wooden bench bythe stairs, after he was dismissed from work.

The familiar commuters brushed past himand he knew it was soon nearing six in the evening. Then Andy spotteda young boy ran jubilantly towards him. He hoisted himself up thebench with much effort and sat next to Andy. The boy looked extremelyexcited. His eyes were huge and bright, as if they were lit by aspark of hope. He kicked his legs in the air as he sat on the edge ofthe bench. By pushing himself up, he raised himself slightly. Hisneck was also out-stretched and constantly looked about the trainplatform, seemingly searching for someone.

Out of curiousity, Andy asked, “Hithere, little boy. Are you waiting for someone?”

“Yes! I'm waiting for my Daddy,” hereplied. Andy could sense his eager tone. “My Mummy said he'll behere today. Did you see my Daddy?”

“How does he look like?”

“I don't know. I had never seen himbefore but he'll be back today and I can finally see my Daddy. Thensomeone can play with me everyday and read to me bedtime stories.Maybe he can come fetch me home from school as well. I can't wait forthe fun we'll have together!”

“Forget it! He'll never come. Theyalways say they will be back but they never come. Forget about yourDaddy!” Andy snapped. He then realised his folly and was takenaback by his own sudden, overwhelming response.

The boy stared in shock and lookedtraumatized. Andy was mortified and looked apolegetically at the boy.He saw the glimmer of hope diminish and fade away from the eyes ofthe boy. He remained on the bench, paralyzed. Tears then filled hiseyes and he put his hands to his face, wailing out loud.

Andy felt extremelyconscience-stricken. At that moment, he saw himself in that boy. Hehad so much hope for his father to return home, just like how Andyinitially felt – full of hope that his wife would return to him. Heshould not have destroyed the boy's last shred of hope. Andy raisedhis hands over the boy's head, wanting to console him. However he washesitant as he was afraid of agitating him further. He pat his headand apologised, attempting to reassure him that his father will beback.

The boy jumped off the seat and rantowards a woman, crying “Mummy”. He buried his face in the skirtof the woman. Andy rushed forward, hoping to apologise. Then he stoodrooted to the ground after recognising who the woman was. It wasCarey.

Carey picked up their son and asked,“What is the matter?”

“That man said Daddy isn't cominghome,” the boy said, pointing resentfully at Andy.

“I'm sorry for scaring you Benjamin,”Andy said, with an affectionate tone. The boy gave a puzzled lookwhen Andy called his name. “Your Daddy will be coming home, askyour Mummy.” Both Andy and Benjamin looked up to face Careyexpectantly, hoping to receive the answer they had both beenanticipating for for a long time.

“Yes, he's right Benjamin,” Careyreplied, revealing the most brilliant smile Andy had ever seen. BothAndy's and Benjamin's long awaited day had finally arrived.

Reading this again, today, at 11:17pm, 30th August 2011, made me remember how far I've come.
How much I've improved.
I remember Mrs Ling complimenting the first paragraph, noting that the usage of the grammar and tense in that paragraph was accurate. And well used. Shows my command of the language.

(Ego boost. Didn't realise this until she pointed it out. I've really improved a lot since I started writing.)

Reading this again, at 11:19pm, 30th August 2011, made me realise how much hope I had in me, to be able to construct something so heartwarming (to me).

If you made me write the same thing now I would never possibly be able to bring out the hope as much.

It'll probably diminish instead.

As compared to the other brilliant writers out there, this work probably isn't much. But it means a lot to me. It reminded me of a breakthrough I had. It reminded me of my pride in my work. It reminded me that there's hope. It reminded me that I had hope. I had so much hope. I just need to continue believing that there's still hope.

Stress?

2011-08-17T23:42:00.000+08:00

I think it's cause of some dis-alignment of stars and planets or some indescribable thingy that's causing me to be thrown off balance. Completely have no ability to put myself into the right moods at the right occasion or for the right needs.

I definitely agree I'm stressed. My body's reacting in weird ways again. ):

It's probably like 40 more days to promos.
I'm so worried.
Frankly speaking I doubt I'll retain if I put in a minimal effort to study.
Well I guess I'm stressed cause I wanna do well.

--

GOSH piano exam's soon. in a week's time! ):

Hush little baby don't you cry.

2011-08-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

YP: Jinhong, sometimes we do not always have to compare our lives with others. We just needa live our life to the fullest and know in our heart that we tried our best to make our life more colourful =D

HEY YONGPEI! thanks (: haha is this also regarding what i've said after speech day?
Knowing that now, will probably lead to me trying to make my current life more memorable.
But there will always be this darker shade of the past that will never have another chance to be repainted ):
It'll always be this regret that will make me cherish more of what I took away from that period. (: I'm thankful for everyone that's been part of it! including you! :D

yuk_tim: woo finally~! i can talk here! ur tagbox disappeared a few days ago

Oh I don't know what happen leh! Was okay for me (: Thanks for visiting ~ haha. see you soon!

--

I'm really back to how life has been pre-O levels.
Slack entirely on weekends and then getting so worried during the week.
And still slack off on Mondays :D
Okays I'll try to improve.
But I'M SO WORRIED NOW CAUSE
THERE'S A LEVEL SPA TOMORROW AND THURSDAY AND I'M REALLY FEELING UNPREPARED AND WORRIED (WHICH I AM UNPREPARED) AND I'M STILL WASTING TIME HERE DOING RANDOM STUFF .
(one of which is laying landmines and stepping onto one myself =.=)

AND MY G7 PIANO EXAM IS COMING UP NEXT THURSDAY OMG most unprepared time for me i guess. Hopefully I can pass!

Self check

2011-08-11T00:39:00.001+08:00

I want to live like the rest of you.

Please teach me how you walk away from your past
And move on with life.

Seeing all your happy faces, it makes me wonder, what if I were there.
Would you be smiling too?
What if I weren't here.
Would you be smiling more sincerely?

Now I get what you mean Sydney.
About looking at other people's photos and feeling sad about yourself.
Cause when you see others having so much fun without you, you really question yourself about how much you matter.

Admiration

2011-08-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

Hey Mr. Z who lives beyond the Garden of Happyness.
I can't help but remember the times we've shared.
And the grown admiration for your lights.
Despite them being stubborn but I must admit that I truly, sincerely admire you for your resolve and determination.
I've once mustered enough courage to contact you but yet decided not to.
What could possibly change?
But now I realise, after entering this entirely new and hostile environment, it's everything.
For the brotherly bonds we share, and all CHS Gentlemen share, are irreplaceable and indescribable by others who've never stepped into this Home.
Let's treat this as my apology, for whatever that has happened ever since the June of 2008.
Let me know? My number hasn't changed. (In case yours has.)

It's a pity how I've let the 4 years in CHS slip by and grow to regret it only towards the end of my journey there.
If only time could rewind (cliche),
I wouldn't mind going through all the drills and "torture" we've undergone during burst programme, camps and stuff.
I wouldn't mind the mental drilling, for at that point in time, it was tolerable with you all around, and hence much more meaningful.

Now I'm stuck between my lights and "The Light".
"The Light", is because it is what deemed as right.
My lights, however, is what I do believe in, but perhaps isn't entirely congruent with The Light.
Despite not being right, I have no choice but to crumble and trudge on towards That Light everyone else is moving towards, for if not it would deem wrong.
I'm so confused, and already tired in fighting against the current.
But even so, I still need to push on so, ever so, so much just to swim ahead of the rest.
I'm really confused.
What "Light" am I heading towards,
And who am I really am?

Delusion

2011-08-07T22:57:00.001+08:00

You ask me why I'm doing this. I really have no clue either.

I imagine myself lying on a field of grass, gazing up into the azure blue sky and then closing my eyes, taking in a deep breath.
However I know I'm actually lying on a bed of pins, fear in my eyes and eyebrows creased in frustration, and then closing my eyes forcing myself to sleep to pretend the pins don't exist.

Taiwan Immersion, end of the first half.

2011-08-04T01:08:00.001+08:00

I remember posting awhile back like maybe last year, saying that it's the first time I'm posting a blog post on my new mac book. Now I shall say that it's the first time blogging off my laptop! :X

Well a lot has happened. I wanted to blog previously but then it got so busy and tiring when the taiwan immersion buddy came along. So i decided to like just forget it :X

I had this like "spur of the moment" blog post thing cause I actually saw yuktim on the train! So he mentioned that he still reads my blog so yeah. ,

Well this period, after CTs, which i didn't do well, it was RACO concert and taiwan immersiona t the same time so it kinda like add on to my stress and a whole lot of shit. and now like i'm not even following my work already, and sitting in lectures and tutorials is a chore cause i don't understand a shit, and my pw group just hounds me like i'm a sinner. I know i haven't been contributing much like in the recent few times. but think about it too. i'm always there for our meetings. i'm usually the one that is always on time. even if i don't do the typing and like pre work before our meets, i at least contribute and listen during our discussions don't i? i mean, i can't expect like a what, admiration? i know i'm in the wrong. but i can't do anyhing about it at this moment? i really cannot do anything. i don't even have time to myself seriously. why can't any of you be more understanding?

i'm really glad like my classmates, schoolmates have been showing me concern alot of concern recently cause i've been noticeably down and stuff when things got heavy. oh well. but some never care and will never care and probably don't even give a shit.

but i'm telling you now. don't look down on me. don't force me into a corner.
i'll do everything in my power to catch up, to contribute, to promote.
I don't expect straight As for promos. i just want to promote.
I want to learn my piano and yangqin well too. it's the only time i have now.
I don't want you to treat me like i'm shit. cause you just watch out.
i believe in karma.

--

anyways i have twitter now.
sorry for the slipshod blog post again. it's really just a rant and incoherent. oh well who gives a damn. all my posts are like that. arent they?

Undeniable power of music.

2011-07-19T22:18:00.002+08:00

A cover of River Flows In You, composed by Yiruma, performed by Gu Quan, piano and Jerry Liu, cello.
Introduced to this by Yi Long, reminded of this by Wee Kiat.

I was feeling rather suffocated then I clicked on this again, and when the piano just entered the first line I knew I had to post this already. And I couldn't continue playing the song. Too many memories attached to this. How I first learnt it, how I interpreted it, how I performed it, how I hated it, how I loved it.

Music.
Why do you strike this chord right here.

///

Hey check out this guy "Travis Garland" on youtube too. He's quite good! Like really. I think.
But usually what I like isn't liked by others HAHA.
I heard 1+1(Beyonce) and Fuckin' Perfect (Pink) covers.
Real nice.

Daunting Skyscraper

2011-07-19T22:05:00.001+08:00

Skyscraper
Demi Lovato

Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!
Like a skyscraper!

--

Been awhile since I've blogged.
Been awhile since I've heard a song like that.
It makes me really envious.
How I wish I had the talent, the ability, to tell the world how I feel through such a large platform.
To let people know I feel the same way,
For me to know that people feel that exact same way too.
To let people feel there's still hope,
For me to continue believing there is hope too.

--

A lot has happened.
CTs. (BDES/D)
RACO - concert coming up soon.
Deciding to go back to cathigh to learn yangqin.
Accepting that I could have done better if I tried harder.

Rebelling (with some constraint) to decisions forced upon me.
Yet I can't do anything about it. For it will affect the people I love.

--

I still have a long way to go.
I don't have the will to try either, actually.

Beyonce's New Album

2011-07-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

Watched a 20minute video that Beyonce made with regard to her latest album I think.
From the snippet of songs of her album used in the video, I personally think the music she produces changed a whole lot. This is probably because she's managing herself for this album, and not accountable to anyone else but herself. So she runs her own show and decides what she wants in her album.

How envious I am. If only I could run my world, without a care of the repercussions that my actions entail. I know this isn't what Beyonce truly meant but this is just a wish. I'm so tired of living around people I've to pretend to love, to like, to tolerate. I really wonder why I even bother doing it. Why I even bother trying.

What Beyonce left off at the end of the video was quite strong.

"I'm learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I have to say to the world. I run my world." - Beyonce

I think I will buy her album.

I Believe.

2011-07-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

Stay clear headed as possible though you have no idea where you're heading to.
Just keep trudging forward, following the rest that leads you on your way.
When you finally reach the end of the dark tunnel,
you can then spread your wings and take flight into the wide expanse of sky.
The sky that holds limitless possibilities and opportunities,
that holds the brightest stars in a beautiful moment,
that blanket us with a soothing layer of fluffy clouds.

I await gaining faith and courage to strive for that future,
I just need to believe now.
Believe.
Believe.
Believe.

CHS HOMECOMING 2011

2011-07-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

(Was really great meeting you guys again today)
(But really it's too late, isn't it? How much I try. It's too late)

                    (You really do miss something only after you lose it)
         (I really hope we can have another chance together)
(Yes, I'm home, in Cat high. But am I home with you guys?)
(Will you ask me, though? I'm just uncertain. I really wish to stay with you guys)

   (Please, I really need us. Us. A "us" to exist.)
(Never once regret going cathigh)

People always ask me to move on, but it's really hard.
It was worst yesterday: Catholic High Homecoming Day 2011.
No longer part of the busy-student population trying to make the most earnings.
No longer part of the green shorts and metal buttoned uniform.
But it'll always be remembered.
Me once being from cathigh.
Now, still, my heart belongs there, despite having no attachment to anything there.
Only attachment with the memories with you guys.
Which, I don't care whether you guys still remember and cherish,
I will, and this memory will haunt me.
Cause I'm never forgetting this grief I have.

Sophistication

2011-07-02T00:31:00.000+08:00

Not that I had any sophistication to begin with, but I personally think my blog's losing it. HAHA.

--

No one can blame another for being multi-faceted.
We all are, only to different extents.

--

Knowing too much. Too much. Too much.
Ignorance is bliss as I always say.
Why?

--

LOSING IT. HAHAHA.

2011-06-26T02:58:00.001+08:00

Wasting my life away.

SHADOWER

2011-06-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's quite funny why we ask each other how's our studying going and so on.
Cause when the person replies saying he's doing real well, you might think he's arrogant or something.
And when the person says he isn't doing well at all, or have yet to even start, you won't even believe a word he says.
Well, frankly speaking, I'm quite certain I'm dead for this CTs.
Just 2 weeks ago, I told myself, It's okay, there's 2 more weeks.
Just 1 week ago, I told myself, You wasted the previous week already. This is the last week you have.
Today, I tell myself, Shit you just wasted your whole holiday and CTs are just 3 days away.
I just don't want to retain, really.
I'll just try my best to get as much out of the 15% there is this time round,
And try so much so much harder to keep up with the rest till promos.
I'm really tired.
I don't know why.

I guess probably due to maple too.
I just can't stop wanting so much to play.
Despite giving myself what I desire to "stop" me from thinking about maple,
I still do.
Incessantly.
As I lay on bed, I think of the possible achievements I could attain to let myself drift off.

This is my siggy at level 160, in 2008.
I really did come a far way in maple I guess.
(Note: I'm so sorry the person I "fell in love with" on 30/11/08 LOL )
Well. I still have so much room for improvement in Maple.
I really want to be "famous".
That's very possible.
With money, anything is possible on Maple.
Anything.
I guess that's what's different here as compared to the real world?
Money makes this maple world go round.
And as we gamers hide behind this pseudo front, we can really approach people using different personalities.
We hardly get that opportunity in real life.

But I guess I was lucky, to have been given one such opportunity. And that was coming into RJ, being in the midst of people I have never met before. It was a chance, and I took it, and tried so hard to change the impression I give to others, and to widen my social network in an attempt to fit in into the extremely-hard-and-almost-impossible-to-do-so-in-rj-society. I did fairly well. But only until recently did I realise it's never truly possible to do so.

And perhaps that is why I'm heading back into Maple again, hoping so much to relive the happiness, the sincerity of the people there. Alot has changed as compared to now and then back in 2008. Back then in 2008 things were much more simpler and the people were much better I guess. Not that the people here now in 2011 are bad. Just that these people are harder to find. And thanks to Jesmond I did find this circle who are old maplers. But they are mostly in their late teens and working days. So the activities are always like in the middle of the night, which I must say I have been guilty up late a few times to play (Sorry mummy and daddy ): ). To go for boss runs and stuff. Which is the only entertainment left at level 200 I guess.

I'm really sorry this blog post has yet again turned all over the place. No proper sentence structure, framework etcetc. The purpose of the post has yet again been like murk-i-fied.

Well. I think basically to sum up so far, it's all about, feeling so tired trying to fit in, that I really have given up. I can't pretend to be high all the time just to try to befriend people and stuff already. And so I'm turning back into maple. That, a good thing or not, I don't know. But one thing is for sure, that it's not a good thing for my pocket and my parent's pocket. Though I know I should NOT EVEN BE SPENDING SO MUCH but seriously I want to. I really want to achieve something. Something so in sight, so attainable, all I need is money.

Whereas studying is really a chore. I'm just so tired and lazy.
And now there's 3 days left it's even worse.
I don't even know HOW TO TRY.
Really.

Hopefully a miracle.
Hopefully.

Genesis : A bishop's skill. In some Christianity chapter it's about the start of the world or something yeah? So let''s just treat this as a plea for hope, for life, for light.

--

And for the record, I'm a Shadower :D

MapleSEA

2011-06-21T03:19:00.001+08:00

Still wanting to invest so much into a game that has brought so much distraught to me.
Why?

--

Siggy made in 2008. Yes, I am Melinn, MapleSEA Bootes.

Yes, I am Melinn, MapleSEA Bootes. And so what if my character's so darn old that it has no adventurer chair. So what if my character's nearly as old as Bootes. So what if I'm the 6th Shadower in Bootes to have reached 200. So what. I still lose out to the rest. All that puts us apart is money.

I. Need. Money.

---

Why.

X

2011-06-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

Thanks for the X.
Now I should be contented to sit down and settle down to study.
The results weren't fantastic, but they were acceptable.
At least I'm now slightly closer to my selfish, willful desires.
And I will have more opportunities to continue with this.
So for now, please stop playing and just do your work.
Please do your work.
Please do your work.

-

Please do your work.

2011-06-09T12:01:00.001+08:00

Effectively 10 days left.

Pride.

2011-06-01T01:35:00.000+08:00

Swallowing my pride to move on.
Though never the best solution, but it's the only thing I can do now.
Knowingly walking into a cage built for me.

.

seven more...

2011-05-19T00:11:00.000+08:00

Really have no time to do my work.):

--

I'm really excited for CO's performance.
Though I've no idea like why.
It's not as though I'm gonna be glorified through it (I'm not featured :D)
I guess it might be because I'm really enjoying the opportunity I have to perform as a J1-J2 batch for the last time.
Now, every single time I walk pass the "deck the halls" thing, I would stop and take notice of the CO's picture.
(:

Real disappointing, how in 7 days everything will end.
I really wonder how I can face another loss.

Can you just tell me what's wrong cause you're causing me more pain by pretending this doesn't exist.

2011-05-14T10:53:00.000+08:00

As always. Wee Kiat's the only one that understands my pain.
Thanks for being there. (:
Till now, you're still the only one I can relate everything to.
And not be afraid of saying the wrong stuff.
And not afraid of being judged for what I truly felt inside.

--

I really wonder if it was a mistake right from the beginning.
I really want to post it right here.
Every single deduction I have for you, to tell me if what I think is really just a misunderstanding.
Or whether I'm entirely right.
But I can't.
I will make another mistake and probably cause even greater knots.
I really don't know how I should go about finding relief for myself.

I really wonder if I have done something wrong.
I really wish I haven't.
But it seems as though you think so.
But why wasn't anything told?

Perhaps it was wrong believing things were different from the start.
Then I wouldn't have bothered trying in the first place.
But hell, things were different. At the very least they really seemed they were.
That was why it felt it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do.
If I were to remain in this dormant state would I even have been known?
Would I have even stood a chance?

Please recognise that I'm questioning you.
And talk to me about it.
I don't demand an explanation, that isn't required.
I just need you to help me find self relief.

Back to Reality.

2011-05-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

Counting my blessings.
At least I got to know a few days before.
At least it's something others wished for.
At least I still can decide whether or not to.
At least I'd be experiencing something different - which was what I sought for. Perhaps.
At least I have you guys with me.

--

Homework's still untouched cause I'm just so tired.
What am I really tired about at this moment?
School work?
CO practices?
Or it's because I'm still trying to be the person I'm not.

Wake up Jin Hong. You don't have to pretend to be someone else anymore.
There's really no point.
RJ's the same as anywhere else.
Finally, I can welcome myself to reality.
This wasn't what I expected it to be.
Move on. Move on. Move on.

Delayed Euphoria

2011-05-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

I'm still not changing for the better.
Not attempt seems to be made to try to catch up.
Now is 12.19am.
I've been home since 4pm, and I SLEPT.
PLEASE stop torturing yourself... You just have to catch up with your work and you'll be fine!
Haven't you already learnt that consistent work is more important than last minute mugging!
That's how you survived the last two years in CHS!
Now you're only given two years in RJ and you're not even putting in the slightest effort to make the best use of these months remaining here.
Probably even the minutes spent here could have been used to complete the homework...

Perhaps I need to start finding a study partner like I did in Sec3 and 4 (Thanks Wee Kiat).
Or start staying in school to do work.
Or go to the library on Sundays...
Argh ):

--

I take back my words mentioning my lack of excitement! I'm so hyped up over RJCO'S SYF!
I JUST HAD A DELAYED RESPONSE HAHAHAHAHA.
I was sooooo HAPPY TODAY.
Whenever I see another CO member, I'd smile and they would too WHEEEE.
It's really this sense of achievement and greater sense of belonging and familiarity with each other after this SYF that we worked so hard together for.
It has been an amazing experience, going through practices, getting to know you all, being on the same stage...
How I wish I could relive the whole experience.
It's just so great that people will no longer despise (too strong a word perhaps) or disregard us cause we seem insignificant.
But oh you're so wrong cause now we've proven our mark!
If you don't believe us, watch the videos! HAHAHAHA.

SET PIECE YANGFAN!

CHOICE PIECE DABOHE

Better view it fast cause I won't know whether I'll be made by my seniors to take them down cause it's supposedly illegal to video these down. But it's on youtube! HAHAHA. Just that you can't find the video without the direct link.

WE ARE SOOOOOO AWESOME REALLY.
I never expected us to look and sound THAT GOOD.
HONEST.

Really thankful for all the blessings we've had in RJCO. To the teachers and committee and every single member, thank you for everything :D Really enjoyed myself. Not for a second did I regret deciding to come here.

--

And only 15 days left... Please don't let this end.
编号9, 莱佛士初级学院, Raffles Institution, Gold With Honours

Honours.

2011-05-09T22:52:00.001+08:00

MY FOURTH HONOURS OUR OF THE FOUR SYFs I'VE TOOK PART IN! YAYYY

The whole journey was amazing. Really. It was the first time I felt so present and involved in an orchestra. It made me realise my maturity over the years ever since I stepped into the CO scene. In Rosyth, it feels very weird when I think back. It didn't really feel like we were having this "central judging" business. All I did was just to play what I needed to play and cheer when Honours was awarded. Only twice have I ever felt that I belonged and really contributed, which was in 2009's CHSCO syf and 2011's RJCO syf. But the later really has more overwhelming emotions. I had never feel the tears surging forth upon the announcement of the results.

Initially during the dialogue session, the judges comments made us feel as though we might even lose sight of a Gold. Thus it was extremely exhilarating when they announced "GOLD WITH HONOURS". The whole Raffles bunch was cheering. Sng Zheng broke into tears. The sight of it made my eyes water too. He really gave a lot to this CO. Glad that I'm able to be part of a CO with him. And of course with all the amazing seniors around too. Been really inspirational and enjoyable. :D

I must say, this achievement meant a lot more to the people who have been in the Raffles family since Sec1. Cause it's the First GWH awarded to any Raffles CO (RI, RG or RJ). Which I thought was a great milestone and a great achievement and OMG I'm just so glad to be part of it HAHA. But, so yes, I guess it doesn't mean as much cause I'd been getting GWH all these while and I haven't really experienced the setback firsthand. Still, I'm equally excited, elated, thrilled omg all these are just understatements. Cause I'm so glad to have been able to be on stage with you guys!! As RJCO!!

The months of tiring trainings and practices, months of tolerating stress due to undone homework and confused lectures, months of holding up my optimism... IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. Every single second spent in the CO room, with seniors, with the yangqin! I picked up a whole lot, really. As compared to previous SYFs. This time round, a lot was learnt about expression and body movements (though I'm still quite stiff and my facial expression...) and musicality. Of course technical areas were explored as well. Realised so many faults and errors in my jibengong which I should work on for the next year!

I guess the next few months will also be to catch up with homework. Trying my best not to get myself retained. Try to hold on to the ESIP thing otherwise school fees will be a bomb... And also to keep in touch with everyone around. I'm really glad that this whole SYF journey culminated in such a beautiful ending, and thus leaving me with memorable memories with the seniors I've grown to love.

After 17 days, it will be real boring without you guys around ): JC's pretty pathetic. And cruel. We haven't even had time to get to know each other! I think this more applies to me cause I didn't get to know you people since sec 1! ARGH. If only I had worked harder in P6? HAHAHA. But seriously, I don't regret being part of CHSCO too. :D

Oh JC, JC, why is the time spent here so short. How I wish you could give me more chances to get to know my seniors more ): On a side note, I'm looking forward to the next year with RJCO (: With great batchmates and a great name to add to our glory :D Argh. How I was time could stop once again; this time not to stop to allow me to catch up with my work, though I'm greatly in need of that, but more of to allow me to have more time with the people I love. <3

And with only 17 days left... Please don't let this end.

[ 编号9, 莱佛士初级学院, Raffles Institution, Gold With Honours ]

-

<3

RJCO SYF 2011

2011-05-09T00:17:00.001+08:00

SYF IS TOMORROW!
GO RJCO!
(Hope my hands can remain dry for the plucking string part >< )

It's shocking how fast I'm feeling part of the CO.
I don't even feel as part of the school yet.
Though there are amazing people around me.

-

I'm glad to know that there are so many of you confident in my abilities.
Though I seem to have let you all down, I've let myself down as well.
But I'll make the best of what's been given to me and just try to be contented with what I have.

--

OOOPS I'm past my bedtime (Sorry Sng Zheng, Yiheng and Nina HAHAHA)

A blur.

2011-05-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

People in this age seem to be revealing too much over the internet, me included.

-

I've no idea what I could have possibly done wrong.

-

It's just depressing when you try so hard to reach out but you get rejected.
And in just less than 18 days the fragile bond that was barely forming will be torn apart.

-

CHSCO BBQ! Thanks for inviting us :D
Was nice meeting up with you guys again.
Wonder when will the next time be :X Unlikely any time soon.
I should really get motivated and be more enthu about going back to CHS to learn from Wei.

-

Oh Syf is in 2 day's time. It's so terribly CLOSE.
I think we are prepared.
We really have improved since the start.
Just that whether that improvement was sufficient (:

--

Unprecedented turn of events. ):
Everything seems to topsy-turvy now.

-

Corroded me.

Finding a destination

2011-05-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

I still choose to let my heart lead my head.
My sensory abilities, don't fail me now, when I need you more than ever.

--

RJCO!!! 4 more days to SYF! HAHAHAHA.

--

So sorry for this slipshod post ):

Hidden.

2011-05-03T23:28:00.001+08:00

I guess this is where I will always be. The times, best or worst. I'm almost having a thought of using this is a twitterish sort of way. Which was why at 12.35pm I posted that line on a single post. I abhor such posts. Cause it's really quite meaningless when you post a single word like "Hi I'm busy" that sort of thing. But then again, I guess when I wrote "What am I doing here, still in this smiling mask, when I'm already crying so hard inside." it shows quite a whole lot of my feelings. I really didn't know what I was thinking actually.

What came over me. Why was I so upset. It's not the people around me that pissed me off. I wasn't pissed off at all to begin with. I was just frustrated at myself. Why are you in such a pitiful state, Jin Hong?

I'm really loving 12S03E. Half of us were at the griffonsquare tables and I walked off feeling frustrated. Then Khee Ming and Sydney told the rest I was upset or something. And all of them were looking in my direction, and I believe they were quite concerned. It really touches me like to know they actually care! Well, perhaps not everyone, I'm not psychic to read everyone's minds. But from where I was at that instant it appeared as though they all were, and I was so embarrassed cause they were all looking at me like in this concerned manner, when actually there wasn't anything up. Haha.

And I got nominated by votes by my classmates for this Class "FIRE" thing. Was is Fortitude, Integrity, Responsibility and Enterprise? HAHA I forgot actually.

Do I really deserve all your love and support? Am I truly deserving to be regarded as a "leader"?

Joseph mentioned to me today that "I think you'll become the chairperson". And he elaborated saying how I took lead for the non-ophir people performance. But I kinda rebutted saying "I didn't mean to". I meant that in the sense that I wasn't intending to be regarded as the leader of the performance. But then he added "That's even better, cause it just shows you have it in you". Oh man. ><

THANKS SO MUCH haha. Probably some parts of that above paragraph is paraphrased but. I'm still quite speechless. Have I really made such a positive impact? I'm really doubting myself. I really don't know how I am feeling right now, and how I should be feeling.

And Sharm, too, has mentioned something, "thanks for leading us and all jh! CO should really make you chairman." Argh. Thanks so much. Amelia too! Saying it's great how I managed to get everyone to work together for the performance. It's like, gosh. I'm not here bragging about myself or something. Like I said, this blog is a portal for me to rant, to express myself. You guys should have noticed by now I don't often post status updates on Facebook. I don't have twitter either.

Anyways back to the point. I'm just so glad that I'm recognised. And perhaps I should even add that, finally I am. And also that I've been accepted for me. Or at least what I appear to be now. Cause I sincerely have no idea whether this me on the outside is the same me on the inside. But whatever the randomness. I'm really thankful to the people in my life now, for giving me faith in my abilities more than ever, giving me more confidence in doing what I love to do, giving me more reason to look forward to another day.

I must really appear bipolar or something, with very sudden mood swings to extreme ends. Just like what Sydney mentioned HAHA. But I am really nice. I suppose. I don't bite. (:

I really am glad that I can still shine in my own aspects despite the blinding lights that surround me all the time here in RJ.

Feeling completely frustrated and stressed out at the moment (whooops mood swing again) cause of the tutorials and tests piling up but I'll just stay focused. What's most important now is the SYF and concert. I'll just give my all for them and once they are over, I can try my very best to catch up with work, and hopefully pass my CTs. And at the same time not forgetting the wonderful people around me, my batchmates and seniors. <3

(Argh I hope I don't sound braggish and zi kua and ego here. That's the reason why I tried so desperately to suppress myself to begin with.)

Yes it's 5 more days from now in 30minutes time!
[荣誉。金]!

2011-05-03T12:35:00.000+08:00

What am I doing here, still in this smiling mask, when I'm already crying so hard inside.

RJCO SYF 2011

2011-05-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

Yes it's 6 more days from now.
[荣誉。金]!

Who am I?

2011-05-03T00:55:00.000+08:00

I have a great load of undone homework. But it's hard telling that to people around me. I guess cause when you're like branded with "raffles" you're expected to be a mugger/smartieeee to a certain extent. I'm probably on my own D: cause I appear to be the only one struggling. I'm pretty sure there are other people out there struggling as well, but probably more able to cope with this than me. I'm like drowning at this moment, and I'm not even bothering to swim ashore, I'm just allowing myself to sink. But by not swimming, I am now floating on my back, drifting wherever the waves push me to.

I think the water is like the work that's piling up, and it's also the people around me as well, cause I'm just following the crowd in some ways. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my identity. Should I be more of myself? Or should I just be who, or even what, people want me to be like? Or is this already the real me?

It's even possible that I am the water, or even the air, cause I take up the shape of my container. In this case, the container being what people picture me to be. So I'm just the liquid that takes up the space of the empty vessel.

Or perhaps I am the empty vessel (Cause empty vessels make the most noise) and I am shaped by people into being the container people want me to be, and I'm filled with (personality) what they want me to be like.

Is having such thoughts even proper? I probably sound like I lack total self confidence. At the same time though, I think I'm having too much of it. That was why I suppressed my ego ever since P6. But have I suppressed it so much that what I am now is the bare minimum of what I am capable of, and that I'm losing myself?

Why did I suppress it in the first place? Cause I thought excessive leadership/confidence was negative, which is correct. But now I seem to have overdone it. And I can't turn back. Cause at the slight sign of inflation of ego, I burst the balloon of intentions to lead. GOSH. Now after the 12S03E non-ophir people performance thing, I seem to have gotten more confident and probably even too much cause I'm worrying so bad that I'd become so darn ego that people will dislike me. And it is when I'm clouded with fantasies of power I am disillusioned and I can't sense/see into people as well as I can as compared to before.

I guess I am good, on a side note. Just by seeing the picture I knew that things had changed. And you guys mentioned it today. That you guys think he's better already. Well. I probably would never know. I will try, but it's hard, so hard, when you can see right through the skin of him in every action he makes.

Why have I been given this heightened ability of senses. Actually perhaps I do not own this ability. All I have is this illusion and fantasy that I have some supernatural ability or super power. And it's just by pure coincidence that what I observe is accurate. But then again, after so many accurate deductions, am I actually dreaming? I will never know actually.

How I wish I could use the abilities of mine to more positive uses. Instead of causing more emotional disruptions in my life. Little twitches of the face, slight variations of the usual actions, tone, etc... anything can give away how you truly feel, and it really affects me cause it causes me to think so hard into thing.

And I'm now here, wondering about myself, why I chose to do what I did. Why did I decide to come to Raffles.Was it only just for the stamp "Raffles" that I sought after?... And now that I've gotten it and it didn't feel significant at all, I am feeling lost? Maybe I am not fit to be in Raffles. I'm not smart or hardworking enough actually. Cause I'd definitely lose out and suffer even more stress.

Or possibly because I'm currently feeling too much of a regret. For not signing up for enrichments, thinking that I should use the time to settle down in RJ; for not signing up for council, thinking it takes up too much time; for not being able to go for class camp; for not attempting the trials for other cca.

But actually why do I regret. These are decisions I had chosen to make because I knew I did not want them. Okay I'm not really making sense again at this point cause I stopped writing the post and went to do my PI halfway and now that I'm back the thoughts are slightly disjointed. But I guess I don't regret my decision to come to RJ because I'm happy where I am now. In 12S03E and in RJCO. Perhaps I don't really have much attachments to RJCO as of now cause of the lack of bonding/activities that I do with them, but I am actually THAT SHY to be afraid to throw myself at people and befriend them okay. Okay this is quite contradictory cause I'd been doing that to random batchmates. But I really am lost.

-

Really want to sleep now. But with the bio tutorial sitting there. Argh. Perhaps I should just sleep and forget about it. Sorry for the disjointed/dumb/another-dumb-jh-ranting post.

My Last SYF

2011-05-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

In the year 2011, the CO members name during this period became : [ jinhong |CHSCO'11荣誉。金|]
This made me remember the little things I did as a nobody, as 'just another member'.
I started this "msn name" thing in 2009, when I changed by display name to : '[ CHSCO | jINhOnG | 荣誉.金 ]
and everyone else did so too. I guess it was some like trend setter thingy. Anyways. I think it's quite cool people remembered we changed the MSN display names to something like that. But I doubt people do know that I'm the one that did it first HAHA.

Sometimes I wonder whether RJCO wants the Gold with Honours. Okay, who doesn't actually. But we seem to be avoiding to talk about it at all as if it's a taboo and we're preventing ourselves from feeling the heartache when the results are announced. But is this actually the right thing to do? I mean, I think everyone wishes for the Gold with Honours right. I think it's okay to mention it? Wouldn't the mention of it motivate us more. I don't know. It's just a thought. But perhaps I should put myself in the shoes of them. Maybe they are afraid to use it so blatantly cause the fall of 2 grades is really very devastating. Oh. How I wish things would all turn out well. 荣誉。金!

And through typing this, I realise this is the last SYF I will take part in! Unless I get retained.

The week 12S03E was away for Ophir Camp.

2011-05-01T02:30:00.000+08:00

Well, just for memories sake, I'll explain why the class got split in two.
Well Khee Ming, Kai Cong, June, Su Ern, Joseph, Kai En and me remained behind has SYF/rehearsals/soundchecks, Sharmini and Chee Jun had concerts to prepare for (jazz and rock) and Yu Ann had competitions (track). Sydney remained behind cause her brother overseas came over to stay for a week. And poor Amelia has some fungal infection :X
So thus the 12 of us stayed behind and the other 14 went for the Ophir Class Camp with Mrs Khoo.

The week they were away we only had lectures and no tutorials! Except for Chem and Econs.
At first I was quite looking forward to this "free week" cause I could catch up with my work.
But when the week came, I realised that I was still too busy to do anything.
Firstly there's CO commitments and then there's the performance item to put up for 3E when they came back from Ophir.
Initially when Mrs Khoo requested we do something, we were all very reluctant.
Then on the Wednesday of the week when we had 2 periods in class, we finally started preparing for it.
The motivation was cause we didn't want to receive the disappointment look from Mrs Khoo.
Though reluctant at first but everyone was spontaneous, actively participating and enthusiastic.
When we finally got a structure and plan of what we wanted to do, we went to the Jamming Studio in RI and it was real fun. We only went there twice during the tutorial periods.
We even practiced after school! Just shows how much we were interested in this performance haha.
After school we went to LT2 instead cause I just learnt that we can use the pianos if theres no one using the room.

Anyways, I really thank Mrs Khoo for making this request.
Cause from this activity I think we really got to know each other better and got an opportunity to work towards a common goal. At the same time, it was real fun. If Mrs Khoo didn't make this request, we might have been in the library for all free periods, and I might have completed by delay-ed tutorials and studying stuffs. But I guess the performance item thing was worth it.

I really want to thank the 11 other people who made this possible! And especially:
Joseph, June, Amelia and Chee Jun for their amazing musical talents in being able to find the notes and chords and harmonic progressions to make our performance possible!
And also Amelia for filling in for June when she wasn't around! Without the piano we are really kinda lost!
Joseph for agreeing to sing that awesome part! (Am I divulging too much? HAHA)
Sharm Joseph and Su Ern for leading us with the amazing vocals!
Sharm and Sydney for the funny, interesting gestures to go with our performance!
Khee Ming, Kai'en, Chee Jun and Joseph for being ever so willing to lug their instruments to school to help us as accompaniments to the music!
and June too for putting in the effort in finding the scores!
And everyone for their enthusiastic ideas :D

Had a really amazing good time this week thanks to all of you! :D
Can't wait for our performance!!

--

CO's pretty intensive I guess. But I'm looking forward to every practice cause in just a matter of days the SYF is coming, and it also nears the concert, which means an impending inevitable separation from the people I've grown to like.

It's been a short time we've spent together but I do remember all the fun we've shared. Like during the orientation, the camp, the practices, the journeys home... How I wish this would never end and I would have a longer time to get to know all of you better. (:

--

RJCO's concert is in the Performing Arts Centre in RIJC campus on 26th May, Thursday! 7.30pm! Tickets are 10dollars HAHAHAHA. We'll be playing *THE HIGHLIGHT - I think* Phantom of the Opera Medley!

--

I guess I'm planning to fail all the tests and leave undone tutorials till after the CO concert.
Hope I will have time to catch up ):

Jammmmmm

2011-04-29T02:47:00.002+08:00

Had never thought a jamming session would be that fun! Arranging a medley sort of thing is super cool too. Especially doing it with a group of close friends <3.
LOVES 12S03E! Really looking forward to the practice later and the performance next week haha. 3Eians are you ready for the performance?! HAHAHA. can't wait for you guys to come back! Hope you guys enjoyed class camp!
Though it's a pity we couldn't go, but we had our fair share of fun too don't you think so guys? Haha.

--

Sometimes I wonder if I shoot my mouth off too fast. Though I'm already very conscious of the effects of what I say, but it seems like I keep getting myself into this difficult position. Worried.

Immense Gratitude

2011-04-26T00:31:00.000+08:00

Been receiving a lot of motivation and consolation after the CHSCO incident. Really thankful for all I'm blessed with: great friends who stand by me. I'm relief now cause I know for sure they'll get over it in time to come. I went back this morning(25th April, Monday). Attended assembly standing at the podium there facing the chs students. First time in four years in fact. But that's not the main point. I'm glad I was able to be there to stand next to Long Lao Shi. I'm glad I was able to let my juniors know that I'm always there. I'm glad everything seems to be turning for the better. I'm really hoping they will succeed in their future endeavors. Really really!

I'm real excited for Catholic High School Alumni Chinese Orchestra! CHSACO in short! Cause it'd be a great platform for all of us to keep in touch with seniors, batchmates and even juniors! And this is the best chance I have to keep in touch with them and maintain a close bond! I'm really looking forward to this! (:

--

I need to start doing my work again. The incident really hit me hard, hitting me off the train tracks. I probably took the chance and used this as an excuse not to do my work. But I really think I was hit off balance over the weekend. I was completely troubled and worried. But I must say I'm really a whole lot better now. Thanks for all your concern through fb, my tags, blogs, talking to me etc. Thanks!

--

I'm really glad that the little things I had done were worth it,
Though from the start I had already probably done things that cannot be amended in this present.

--

Guo Chang posted this picture on his blog. And I thought I should too. I think this is a great picture. And one of the only group shots with the most people in it. Sad. If only I were closer to my juniors. ):
*This picture can be found on FB too. From me, clockwise: Jin Hong, Martin, Yi Long, Jia Wei, Guo Chang. <3 *
Thanks everyone in CHSCO for the brilliant memories and those to come! :D

CHSCO SYF 2011 - 3rd post.

2011-04-24T21:56:00.001+08:00

Benjamin Chua (Yangqin, VP'10/11, Batch'11) mentioned my posts reflects how CHSCO feel.

And I saw something that Cheng Jun (Gaohu, VP'09/10, Batch'10) posted on Facebook.

想想看，我们是不是获得更多？逆境显现出我们团队的坚强，团员的团结。有时，逆境带来的比顺势能给的还要多，经验更加难忘，可贵。你发现，原来还有那么多人在乎。所以说嘛，我们应该感到无比自豪，因为我们得到了别人无法得到的，那就是 “赢” 牌。

So true..

And Guo Chang (Daji, SL'09/10, Batch'10) posted on his blog that he never once thought he'd be affected by anything to do with his CCA. And that his passion for the orchestra and the love for its people has been renewed.

This adversity has really shown how bonded the CO is. I'm really glad the '11 batch managed to piece the CO together from the ruins I left it in. Don't try consoling me. Cause I really think I didn't do a good job. This '11 batch really made a difference and you guys brought it to it's newly found peak!

I really regret. Regret not going back more to support them for SYF. In total, I went back four times. That was it. And what's more, RJ's so close. I really wanted to go back more often. But RJCO practices were on Monday Wednesdays and Fridays... But these are just excuses. I could have found a way. I also regret not going to watch you guys during your SYF rehearsal at SCH on a Sunday somewhen. I was just lazy.

What if I did go back more often. There would be more opportunities to show my concern and probably once asked how many members we were sending onto stage. Then probably you guys would have double-checked and found out we had exceeded 80.

What if the Biannual Concert of '10 wasn't postponed and my batch was in charge of planning it. We could have let you guys pick up some skills in preparation for SYF.

What if I had decided to follow my instincts and folded 80 straw stars to give to the juniors, or even bothered to write a little card for every single performer, I would have realised that 2 people did not get one. What if I mentioned that there were 2 people on the lorry. I knew they were on the lorry. I knew. I did care, but apparently not enough.

What if I expressed my worry instead of keeping it to myself afraid you guys will be affected? In fact, I was afraid something bad was about to happen when I saw Guo Chang accidentally stepping onto Ban Xu's at the loading bay. At that very moment I thought, was Ban Xu going to be affected or something? I guess, in some ways, yes. He was on the lorry.

Yes, CHSCO did achieve what we set out to do, to impress and touch people with our music. We succeeded. I am proud! I myself was touched. And I'm using this point to console some of you guys. But frankly speaking, I myself am upset that the tangible result we got is the print "silver". I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. But I can't help myself. The worst part of it all is knowing how much effort you all had put in, how much you had sacrificed to work together. During RJCO practice on Saturday yesterday, all Sng Zheng/ Yiheng (chairperson and vice) had to do was to talk about effort and results and I was in tears. I'm really sorry CHSCO for the situation you are in, we are in. I'm just so lost. I don't know what I can do to help.

But at the same time, I realised I managed to reach out to some people. Like Aspen mentioned, "Nope, its good that you did that what. except that you had no one to fall on when you really broke down. cheering us up was really what we needed and you were there to help us with that :D ; hahah, moral support plays a big part in this kind of events. your presence was felt during our performance!"
And Darren Foo sent me a Facebook message "hi! thanks for everything and all the best for your syf.", after the SYF when I met him on Saturday on the way to school.

I'm really glad. Cause it feels like I succeeded in something I thought I didn't achieve. I managed to comfort you guys and made you guys feel I'm there. I'm just so sorry I can't do anything else to remedy the situation. I'm laughing at myself actually, why am I so affected by this. I really can't explain. My mum's scolding me ever since Thursday cause I'd been spending my time on the computer trying to find out how you guys are doing.

(I'm so sorry my thesis-antithesis kind of thing is flying all over the place cause I'm just experiencing this overwhelming feeling so my thoughts are all intertwining. I hope you still can understand my point though.)

So going back on the rail to why I'm feeling so bad about it. I think it's cause I feel that I failed as the President. Which indirectly resulted in this situation. Though there's no link you might say. And yes there probably isn't. But still, guilt-stricken.

So actually it points to this direction: I'm not upset that we were printed with SILVER, it's more of because the member's efforts had gone to waste, and I'm worried how the Exco and Long are facing this.

Yeah I'm feeling much better now. I guess that was the whole point. Worrying about how I can help. Worrying about how the members are coping with it. I'm glad to know most of them are feeling better now, from all the encouraging notes and all on Facebook, and the outburst of passion for forming the CHS Alumni CO. I'm looking forward to the performance. The current intent is to set up the concert at the end of the year. And with the funds from the first concert, we can continue to put on our second, third, etc. Really exciting. It would be real exciting to see all my seniors and juniors again. (: The best part is Wei is willing to conduct for the first concert (: To all alumni, you can ask me to add you into the facebook group so you can keep up with the updates (:

I'm actually feeling very emo-ish now cause I just started thinking about my seniors, batchmates and juniors in CO. If only I had forged stronger and closer bonds with them. I think I would have been able to impact them better. But oh well, it's too late. I've graduated. But I'll make the best of what I brought away with me. I'll try my very best to keep in touch with the people I care for.

The love for our orchestra is stronger than ever.

--

A song to end off. Seems very apt to what I'm feeling now.

What Are Words - Chris Medina.

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep

Cause what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then their done
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words

They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by her side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then their done
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cause what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

--

CHSCO, I'm gonna be there tomorrow morning during morning assembly.

Finally I broke down.

2011-04-23T01:04:00.000+08:00

1. The state of disbelief.
2. The apology.
3. The false fronts.
4. The recording of the announcement.
5. Zheng and ShuQingBianZouQu.
6. The position the exco and the teacher are in.

Only until the next day did I cry.
Thinking of these 6 was the worst.
Thanks Yi Long for being there today.

--

21st April. The Day. The day that we will probably never forget.
But I want you all to face it and embrace it.
Only then will we be able to forgive ourselves.

I'm always there.
Look me up any time.

<3CHSCO

--

PS: YAY CHS ALUMNI CO IS FORMING.

Silver.

2011-04-22T01:56:00.000+08:00

At the edge of the seat, just waiting to jump up in joy to scream and cheer.
When unexpectedly we just sat there in utter shock and disbelief.
Silver.
Slumping back into the chair, hearing other schools achieving "Gold with Honours", hearing the screams that follow.
It's so heart wrenching.
Heaven's joke on us.
Well you succeeded.
Congratulations.
You left 82 people in tears.

But I'm proud to say WE HAVE ACHIEVED OUR 3rd GOLD WITH HONOURS IN A ROW.
Though on the paper it states a silver on the surface,
but we know we're always the brightest gold on the inside.

-

I felt so helpless.
I felt like I couldn't do anything.
I didn't dare speak, to motivate, to relieve.
Nothing but a failure.
But at least I feel slightly better now, after telling Jia Wei, Martin and Guo Chang how I truly felt throughout my journey from 09-10. There's slightly some more internal conflicts within me.
But I truly believe we will have another opportunity to discuss them.

-

I'm so sorry for my incompetence.
I feel somewhat to blame for this as well.
I'm just so tired and disappointed.
But at the same time, through this adversity, we've seen resilient souls shining through.
I'm constantly amazed every single time I return to CHS to see you guys grow and mature as a person, as a leader.
You've truly been an inspiration and a dear.
Thank you so much for the pleasant beautiful memories.
I will always remember them.
<3CHSCO.

-

Thanks for telling me that you guys don't think I sucked and failed.
I feel I did, though it was due to circumstances, but I still feel to blame.
Sorry my dear batchmates.
I yearn too much to stand on the same stage as you all again. Soon, please? (:

-

I felt so upset, so angry, so "self-blaming", but the tears just don't come.
I feel worse now, with so much bottled up inside.
Please cry.

2011-04-18T08:03:00.002+08:00

Will update soon. (:

Lost cause the show's no longer there to lead me into thinking the way they want me to.

2011-04-10T23:14:00.000+08:00

I watched the House Of Anubis which is premiering in Asia's Nickelodeon.
After watching the first episode on Friday night, I went to spend 10hours watching the rest of the season.
It's quite interesting as the plot progresses. (:

--

After watching it it reminded me of the feeling of lost I always feel after watching a nice show.
Envious of the amazing and interesting lives others lead (though it's made up) and so afraid and upset that their story portrayed ended there.

--

Back to homework - sigh another wasted weekend.

--

Anticipating the revelations of the PW grouping.

Smile, not only for yourself.

2011-04-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

The wrong first move has resulted in a series of unfortunate string of events.
I almost just posted the post with just that line itself.
I realise I have the tendency these days to post single worded posts - which I do not wish to cause I find that it is a waste of my avid reader's time (even if I do have avid readers).
I know I'm seriously dumb wasting time here blogging on something,
Cause I'm super tired.
I'm having a CO assessment tomorrow, which I hope to ace so that I need not retake the 2nd test.
But I didn't practice at all.
Realise that I wasn't able to play the running notes today cause I didn't have warmups (or practice the past few days).
Argh.
I am stressing up.

I have so so much to do (homework) just because I LAGGED BEHIND FOR 3 WEEKS.
Disaster.
How I wish to say "this will never happen again" but I am worried I would probably never be able to use this cause I may not even climb out of this first disaster-hole I stepped into.

I will try to post again.
I realise I have so much pent up frustrations.
Today I wasn't really in the best of moods.
I guess I'm showing it all on my face again, affecting the people around me, resulting in my friends asking me whether anything was wrong.
But I sincerely couldn't give an answer cause I myself do not know what specifically is wrong.
Nonetheless I'm touched by their sincerity.
I will try to put a smile on my face in the future, cause I know that there will be people who will get worried if they don't see it on.

Turning point

2011-04-03T15:29:00.000+08:00

I truly believe that weekends are the turning points of your studying career.
You either continue falling or you create a turning point to lead you upwards.
For me, I'm continuously heading down down down...
I'm hoping for a chance, sincerely hoping for a chance to change this saddening period of my studying career.
Every week I wish so much to study, to catch up with what I'm lost with, to move ahead of the lectures... How much I wish to do so.
But I guess I'm not giving myself the opportunity to do so either.

I am now wondering why I agreed to go for concerts.
Not that I hate it.
I don't really enjoy sitting there listening to performances actually.
But I think I wanted to go so that I can spend time with people.
With different people in particular.

I'm still stuck here, tired of trying frankly speaking.
But I guess I have no choice but to trudge on behind the rest.
Hopefully I don't fall too far behind.
I really wish for some miracle to come.

--

We'll remain as friends forever, despite the terrible memories
cause beneath them, we indeed have shared an amazing period together.
<3

Greed

2011-03-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

I got home at 930, typical of a day that has co practice. I am so tired each day returning at this hour and I can't make myself stay up to do work. I have so much to do, so much to catch up with. If only time could just slow down a little while and let me get use to this horrid life. Life filled with never ending work. Neverending sarcasm, farcity, lies and deception.

Today I am feeling slightly guilty and questioning my own actions and train of thought. What the hell was I thinking when I went around disgracing myself with the 'take my hand' stick. What was I doing disgracing sharm and Kheeming as well. I'm so apologetic. I didn't even realize the stupidity of my actions until after I did it. What motivated me?... I have no idea.

My mind is full of conflicting thoughts in my mind now. About work, About people, aboutthe direction in life I should be heading Towards. About my personal health and happiness. About my character development. About my life. I wish so much for an answer. I wish so much for the airplane to wait for me before it takes off.

---

Sorry for this shoddy post, I did it on my phone, unwanting to on my com as I'm already preparing to sleep. Good nights (:

I'm thankful for all I have I guess. I just always want more.

Underestimating my opponent.

2011-03-28T00:38:00.000+08:00

Underestimated the amount of work I actually have over the weekend because I slacked during the hols.
Now I've got EVEN MORE to catch up with...
TIME TO SERIOUSLY BUCK UP...!!!

--

My fascination for "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" has yet to end!
Just discovered 2 boys that sung it real well in the "Eva Cassidy" version. <3
Jal Joshua is amazing. He has 3 versions on youtube i think, 1 is the audition, 1 is studio and 1 is found below.

Another good one is by Troye Sivan, but on a personal note I think Jal Joshua's one is more touching (:

I want to go for a blood test - just in case

2011-03-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

Was feeling slightly free this weekend so went to see the chinese doctor today just to like "regulate body" - what my mum always says when we just visit the chinese doc.
But then I commented about my weakness felt during the day and the aches in my heart.
So he concluded that perhaps it's cause I don't have enough blood.
Somewhat linked to my digestion problems or something, about not being able to absorb the nutrients from what I eat.
So... let's see if I get better.
But one thing's on my mind - what if it makes me better at absorbing nutrients.
Wouldn't that mean I'm gona get fat soon D:
Haix.
I better take more pics on myself to retain this skinny me.
(And legs)

-

OHHH I made new specs too.
Will get on thursday night.
And I actually placed an order for contacts too.
Just to try for a month to see whether I'm suitable/like wearing it.
Maybe I'll wear for PE or something.
But I think I look weird without specs.

--

I'm gona sleep early today. (Slept at 2am last night to accompany kheeming do his council proposal)
HAHA kidding. Actually I was chatting on msn.
Hmm and was out like the whole day today.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be willing to sit down and do work!
PLEASE JINHONG PLEASE DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND CATCH UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND WITH.

Help

2011-03-26T02:06:00.001+08:00

Memories of those that helped me in my life started coming back.
Somehow this feels like a rather similar post to the many in the past.
But I'll start on why this feeling's much stronger today.

1. CAREBEARS II !
Went for the first carebear session today.
CAREBEARS II is a project to tutor underprivileged children to help them with their studies.
As there are only 8 official students as of now and about 20 carebears,
so MOST were sent to do saikang jobs.
As for Khee Ming, Sharm and I we were lucky to have gotten assigned to a student!
I'm partnered with Sharm to take this girl who's a sec1.
So when I was sitting there with her,
I felt this strong emotion in me that I am able to contribute back to society.
And it kind of reminded me of help that I myself had been given by my friends.

2. Hubert's comment on my wall!
He was quite excited and asked whether I was in RJCO cause he saw my pictures.
No one told him that I joined so he was surprised I guess haha!
But then I was reminded of how he was a mentor to me during my efforts in writing the proposal for Orientation Games.
And how he gave me advice on how I should go about with pursuing what I want, namely in becoming a CO EXCO.
So, THANKS ALOT HUBERTTTT <3 :D

--

An appropriate song to go with the theme of HELPING OTHERS!
Or at least something along those lines.

Two Worlds Collide
-Demi Lovato

She was givin the world
So much that she couldn't see
And she needed someone to show her,
who she could be.
And she tried to survive
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
And I needed you to believe

You had your dreams, I had mine.
You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find,
When two different worlds collide.

La dee da dee da

She was scared of it all, watching from far away.
She was given a role, never knew just when to play.
And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the thrown
You've given me strength to find hope.

You had your dreams, I have mine.
You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find,
When two worlds collide.

She was scared,
Unprepared,
Lost in the dark.
Falling apart,
I can survive.
With you by my side,
We're gonna be alright.
This is what happens when two worlds collide.

You had your dreams, I have mine.
You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find,
When two different worlds collide.
La dee da dee da

You had your fears, I was fine.
Showed me what I couldn't find,
When two different worlds collide.
When two different worlds collide.

--

It's quite cool, how when two different worlds collide,
meaning when two people's fates intertwine, a change happens, be it for the better or worst.
But in this case, people with a willing heart and compassionate heart will bring about positive and great changes in someone who is lost.
And I was once lost and my heart was opened by the amazing people in RJ.
The main people the brought about this change is first the OG.
They helped me feel part of the school.
Then 12S03E, they made me feel happy and great for who I am.
And they are happy for who I am.
And RJCO which brightens my school experience, bringing me new insights and teachings during each practice.
And of course people I've gotten to know through other friends. (:

12S03E!
YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY ROCK.
<3
We have the bestest gossips.
The bestest jokes.
The bestest pick-up lines.
The bestest class spirit.
WE WILL THRIVE AS A CLASS!

I love the chitchats we have during times we just sit by the benches together.
The most randomest things come into discussion.
The most lamest things can become the funniest.
The most unexpected friendships can become true and existent.
12S03E, we've indeed gotten to know each other a lot more.
I thank fate for letting me meet you guys.
Let us enjoy the remaining time of the 2 years we have together, to the fullest. (:

--

Gold With Honours! (:

2011-03-16T19:40:00.002+08:00

I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW WHY I WAS SO DUMB TO ENTER MAPLE AND GET TEMPTED TO TEST MY LUCK AGAIN WHEN I KNOW THE RESULTS WILL ALWAYS REMAIN THE SAME: IN FAILURE. NOW I JUST WITNESSED ANOTHER APPROX. $120 DISSIPATE INTO THIN AIR.

Procrastination is getting the better of me

2011-03-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

I really do wish to blog!
But I am really procrastinating too much that I just burn my time away.
Just like today.
I got home at 7.
Ate+watch tv till 8.
Slacked till 9.30 browsing facebook.
bathed
and i just kinda wasted another hour dunno doing what.
it's like i've nothing to do on facebook/internet,
yet i stay on to open this web, close it, open it again...?!
SERIOUSLY need to start waking up.
Hopefully the holiday will let me get sufficient rest + catch up with those lectures.

--

tomorrow's co camp.
then after break camp at 5+pm on sat, i'll go for drama fest.
to support og mate.
now wondering how i'll cope with so many things i'd be holding and wearing stinking uniform from friday D:

--

aww. wake up ):
ironically, i'm going to sleep now.

Positive Changes

2011-03-07T00:12:00.000+08:00

I'd been trying to be the best I can be since my awakening
But I still seemed to get the same ill sufferings like before.
My maple gachapon attempts fail, my scrolling attempts fail.
But then I realise that I may have been "rewarded" in the right aspects.
It's because my maple efforts fail thus I was able to slowly put it down.
And I had been getting quite a great amount of "luck" in terms of exams for the past few years.
Yes, I haven't been getting like straight A's and like getting into the top class
But I've been given a decent amount of "luck" to do sufficiently well to get into a good class to motivate me to excel.

Firstly was 603'06 cause of all the people I've met there. And I managed to attain 251+1 for PSLE to enter CHS.
Then it was 2-6 in CHS, where I met Wee Kiat, who helped me along with my studies to help me get into a triple science class. (Without you I doubt I would have done as well (: )
Then I entered 4-9 which I enjoyed being part of the clique at that moment.
Which helped me through the darkest hours and most stressful days during the road to the Big O's.
And through the amazing and conducive studying environment I managed to get 3points to enter RJC.
Though it wasn't the best possible attainable score, but I'm still thankful.

For the people who truly trust me and believe what I say, will not doubt my credibility in the next statement. Unlike them who have imagined my similar statement regarding prelim3 to be an indirect insult to them.
I didn't study sufficiently for the O's.
I broke down.
I argued with Wee Kiat just halfway through Prelim3.
I lost a study partner.
I lost my clique.
I had no one to lean on from that very point (which was the start of september holiday) all the way till the end of O's.
I remember crying in my mum's arms cause I just couldn't get myself to sit down and study.
I couldn't be bothered to study.
All the while it was Wee Kiat pushing me on since the end of Sec2.
He led me on through the year by spending time with me on Sundays to pull this lost kite back closer to the ground.
But at the most crucial period I lost my only friend that bothered about how well I did.
The days leading up to the O's since Prelim3 were terrible, as I just let myself rot away.
Thus I believe I deserved more terrible results.
(from here it will become disjointed cause I continued the post editing after 24hours)
But by some stroke of luck I managed to get into RJ.

--

I'll just stop there.
On (6th march) I had no more "feeling" regarding that above topic.
Feels like I've been repeating the same thing over and over since prelim3 period.
Perhaps I'm still clinging on to the past and still feeling wasted.
But I've gotta move on.

The most pressing thing on my mind now is how I should carry on with my life.
It's so meaningless now.
Just like before.
Still somehow linked to the previous portion but still, focusing on something else.
I'm back to procrastinating.
Had told myself to make full use of the weekend but I kinda wasted myself again.
But I guess I can "blame the theory exam for taking up my saturday"
but it's only an excuse.
As I sit infront of this computer screen, typing out this blog post, reading facebook comments, replying to msn messages,
I get very frustrated at myself.
Why am I so dumb ):
To have repeated the same idiotic ways.

I've tons of homework that if done can bring me so much joy and relief.
Now I'll just forget about it and rest.
Hopefully I'll get past this week without much difficulty and when the march holidays come I can do something about this.

--

I'm dying to return to my interests.
I want to be able to sit infront of the computer without any worries as I replay and replay each track and listen to the beauty of music and the musician behind it.
I want to learn the lyrics and break down the literature-ish meanings of the lyrics.
I want to feel.
I want to share how I feel.
I want to pen down the music I hear in my head.
But I guess I'll have to find some way to squeeze in my interests.

This reminds me of the demonstration the RJ principal gave.
About having a box, and we should put the heavy big bulky objects (important things) in first, then fill it up with sand (less important things that we enjoy more) and everything fits.
If we just do the less important things firs then try to squeeze in the important things, everything will just overflow and you'll have difficulty fitting everything into the same box.
REMEMBER THIS JINHONG .
TRY TO FIND RELIEF.

Periods

2011-02-26T21:43:00.000+08:00

I often see other bloggers post like "EOY posts" or posts at every end of each chapter of my life.
I always wished to do the same.
But I was slightly lazy - to admit - but at the same time it was because I couldn't close a chapter at all...
But now I am glad to say I'm capable of it.
And I'm confident that I won't regret it.
The chapter of my life in CHS which revolved around you guys has ended.
And I will always remember it for the painful memories, though there were laughters in between,
but weren't they just a part of your plan to deceive me?

Anyways, here is the post of the final chapter of Catholic High School.

I entered CHS very alone. I was convinced to go to cathigh cause of the school talk that was given to us at rosyth. Knowing that the school and the CO was good, I decided to go there without any other consideration, about whether I may be alone, or maybe I could cope or not.

Sec one, I was so much in pain. I remember calling Cheryl everyday after school as I sat on the bus on the way home. We could even stay on the phone not muttering a word for a few seconds. Yet I didn't want to cut the call. It felt to me like it was the only thing that kept me in contact with rosythians and 603'06. It was the only thing that felt tangible to represent my friendships and memories of rosyth. But I guess everything breaks down. We kinda stopped contacting each other when the work started getting heavier. And the number of 603 gatherings dwindled.

I remember, too, running back to rosyth with benedict in a hurry cause cathigh released us late on dates we were supposed to have gatherings back in school (this was for CNY). I remember another incident where Cheryl, Nicholas, Cheng Ce, Ivy and a few others I think, were in rosyth waiting for me with a slice of cake for my birthday. But I was held back in lessons. I was so upset. I was so angry at chs.

I hated chs alot cause of the drills and orientation we had to do pumping, pt, drills etc... what for, seriously. Did we really get to know people through it? No...

I remember deciding to become more reserved to avoid taking up leadership positions, posts, to avoid offending people, to attempt to be a follower instead. I succeeded (But too well in that I am now totally lacking in self confidence). I kept to myself alot and talked only to people i trusted and knew like benedict.

I remember hating weekiat who turned out to be my bestest friend i had in secondary school. I remember not too liking jesmond too, who turned out to be my bestie<3. I remember munyuan's nonsense in class (and farts) and benedict's personality. The four greatest friends I've known in CHS. In sec1. :D

Sec two. I guess nothing much has happened. I just got closer to my four friends. And got back to maple from the influence of my yangqin seniors. CO was great too, but I wasn't liking school and co yet.

Sec three everything changed. My results improved drastically, I loved CHS and CO. And I got close to a clique known to 4-9 as "fants". Which was the worst thing that can happen.

Sec four was super fun in the beginning but it turned sour nearing the end of the year.

---

Seems like though I hated sec1 and 2 the most from how i saw it in sec4, but at this point in J1 and writing this, I realise I truly enjoyed my lower sec life than upper sec life.

--

Why and what did I do wrong.
Why are you guys treating me like that.
I don't remember doing anything to hurt you people.
I even tried to bring us together by initiating the movie gathering.
In the end nothing has changed at all.
You guys are still stabbing us.
I'm so hurt.
And because of you guys I decided never to be clique-ish again.
Why?
Cause when I tried to break away from the clique or when I was excluded from the clique,
I tried looking for others I could talk to.
I realise that even if there were people I could talk to, no one wanted to talk to me because they felt that I already HAVE a clique which I should be with 24/7 cause we're "exclusive".
Thus I decided to change things.

Being sent to RJ without people whom I really and truly know was the bestest thing ever.
I was given a fresh start to start anew.
I was initially quieter in both OG and Class.
But after the initial period, I really went crazy and high I believe.
That people around me were shocked by the sudden change in behavior.

Though now I am perceived to be some "slutty seductive flirtatious" and very un-manly because I amplified these actions to make myself like a clown. (or whatever else people wish to call me for acting this way)
I wonder if I made the right choice to do so.
But I myself find some of it funny thus I did what I did for entertainment purposes.
But I do hope people realise that I'm not like this in person.
Yes some of my actions and body language may show that I'm slightly more somewhat feminine.
But I don't go around doing the "snapping whatever" and "bitchy stances" on normal circumstances.
Moreover, I won't possibly do it often in the future.
It would get rather stale and boring I guess.
And irritating after awhile.

Today my OGmate Ying Tong questioned whether it was tiring trying to keep up with this image I'm displaying. Yes I am.
I am.
I really am tired.
At the end of every day, I am so tired I hardly dream.
I doze of immediately upon lying on the bed or sofa.
The act of changing masks and keeping it on throughout the day is extremely tiring...

Today I met Pearlynn, who's a friend of yingtong's. Met her at Youth Got Heart.
We hit it off quite well.
Very well in fact.
I do hope we'll keep in touch. HAHAHA.

--

At this very moment, I heave a sigh of relief. I finally completed the main part of what I wanted to post.
At last I can go and bath and head to bed without completing any homework yet again.
Though I will suffer and die soon, but who cares...

--

And I believe I'm relying on sleep again to escape from problems around me.
And I'm still feeling so, so much to share. I shall do so soon.

<3 BB09
<3 12S03E
<3 RIJC

I MISSED THE HOUR.

2011-02-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

I wanted to post something on the 22nd to mark my transition to a 17-year-old.
But I missed the hour ):
Oh well.
For those that are unaware,
MY BIRTHDAY WAS YESTERDAY 22nd FEBRUARY!!
I AM NOW 17!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As usual, my FB birthday didn't reflect the actual date, so no one wished me at first until those that knew posted on my wall and I guess it spread in FB.
So I was busy replying words of thanks.

Actually there's no point hiding/revealing my birthday anyway.
Maybe it's because I'm another year older now so my perspective changed yet again.
Initially I believed that, there was no point in letting people know your birthday through FACEBOOK cause it doesn't show who bothers remembering it.
But now it feels like, the birthdate should be made known to somehow bridge forgotten gaps.
People like crenshawn and yunan posted on my wall.

This year the only one that really remembered (Other than my family of course) was XUANMING! :D
MY AWESOME SENIOR IN CHSCO.
Remembers that I always could confide in him.
Thanks so much for your time listening to my woes and cries of happiness. :D
Will always remember youuuuuu (:

Was slightly saddd cause weekiat, jesmond, munyuan and benedict only remembered at night ):
But its okayyyy. Frankly speaking I feel slightly bad too cause I only can remember wk, jes and bens cause more easy to remember. Muns i shall check. :D

I actually have this uncompleted post on some overwhelming emotion that I felt last few days. But kinda forgot about it cause I'm so tired everyday when I get home so I just lie in bed and sleep without doing any homework.
I really hope I don't fall behind the cohort and still manage to catch up with work and follow the lesson paces.
><
I'm still feeling slacky slacky D:

(Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is playing now. Wrong season. Same as my slacky feeling - please come back again when I'm slightly more free)

Okays... I shall post something more meaningful over the weekend when I'm free. :D

Valentines

2011-02-14T01:15:00.000+08:00

Angels Brought Me Here
-Guy Sebastian

It's been a long and winding journey, but I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when I look into your eyes...

My dreams came true, when I found you
I found you, my miracle...

If you could see, what I see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

Standing here before you, feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

If you could see, what I see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

Brought me here to be with you,
I'll be forever grateful, oh forever faithful
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

If you could see, what I see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness I feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

--

This song really speaks to me at this precise moment.
I'm truly grateful to the Angels for bringing me here to RJC,
Giving to such a wonderful OG to accompany me as I start my life anew.
Every line that is highlighted seems to have so much significance and relation to what I'm going through now.

It has been a long and winding journey, looking for people I can trust and hang out with, and be myself with.
I was disappointed countless times before, and shattered into a million pieces.
But finally I arrived at this paradise where I finally started restoring the pieces of my lost faith in friendship as I walk towards the light where my future lies.
My dream of finding a sanctuary for my wounded soul came true when I found you guys in BB09!
Standing beside you guys makes me feel like I've been reborn.
And this will not have been possible if not for the Angels for bringing me to you guys.
I'll be forever grateful to them, for if I were in another OG with completely different people, I doubt I will feel the same way.
BB09ians, you may think I'm exaggerating, but if you could feel the tenderness I feel at this point, then you would truly know why I believe so faithfully that angels brought me here.

--

HeartsBB09'2011

--

And Happy Valentine's Day (:

Take5-2011

2011-02-12T02:32:00.001+08:00

Sorry! planned to update but i am just too tired to post anything.
Which is kinda ironic cause I'm just starting to type this when the clock on my computer reads 1.57.

Firstly... Orientation was AMAZING. Truly was. Though I still cannot shake off the feeling that it is only a facade, but the friendships formed in these 3 weeks are unforgettable and undeniable.

Day 3 and 4 of Orientation. I got to know other people more.
I guessed I opened up more.
Probably due to what Yi Zhuan wrote on my wall - after thinking about it (the link here is like very no link -lol?- but will try to explain later).
Quotes (before it is removed - at least can still see it when i look back. HAHA)

FOONG!: OMGOODNESS I WAS JUST GOOGLING DELCHANTO THEN YOUR BLOG CAME UP HAHA anw we'll stick tgt alright (: just open up and live the whole experience with your heart and dont just be who you already are cause this is the time to be siao and high and crazy and just experiment and live life to the fullest kay! sounds damn cliche but srsly! even tho studies are impt but it's NOT EVERTHING ALRIGHT xD

Experiment and live life to the fullest.

I went to rethink why I opened up more after a question posed by those who were chatting at the skygarden area at vivo. They asked me why I seemed very quiet at first.
I admitted and do admit that I was afraid of not fitting in.
Afraid of judgement.
Afraid of devoting myself into a relationship that wouldn't last.
But because of Foong - i've no idea why people call him that, though its his surname, though his name is yizhuan - suggesting to experiment and live life to the fullest.
It kinda made me want to.
Not that I wanted to be all lonesome and all from the start.
Just that I was afraid.
But I must say, that the risk of pulling those walls down turned out well .
BB09 really brought me immense joy for the past 3 weeks.
Though now there is a possibility of me feeling upset that the relationships forged will dissipate into nothingness,
At least I cherished the times we had.
And I'll try - this time, I'll try - my best to keep in touch with the people I wish to remain friends with.

--

Anyways.... there was take 5 at tanjong beach today. 2 groups of four of the OG went for amazing race while the rest of us were slacking by the beach. Had a great time though IMO. :D
Then after dismissal we headed to Vivocity for lunch and we were slacking around in the skygarden, then inside the airconditioned area as it rained, and then we went for dinner, and slacked awhile more at the skygarden.
Of course some people left in between~
Enjoyed every single moment BB09 spent together, right till the last minute at around 10.30pm when we were still sitting at the skygarden.
Was truly reluctant to leave cause we'd probably not meet soon, or even much, or worst still, at all once the studies begin.
But I guess I have to accept it.
At least I won't be living in regret!
I do hope we can have some gathering of sorts in the future.
Very unlikely, but I still can wish for it, can't I?

--

I realise I am not publicizing my blog at all, like putting it at my MSN, putting it on my FACEBOOK and stuff, but I can't.
I am kinda like hiding it from my parents or siblings or relatives.
Somehow, it feels weird, to me, for a family member to be reading my blog.
So... I left the google search open for my blog.
My blog can be found by googling NG JIN HONG. HAHAHA.
So either that... Or get people to ask me directly for the link.
Or link from other people's blogs.

--

I'll try to blog more soon. There's just so much to say about my new experience. I've learnt a lot.
HEARTS BB09'2011!
WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE 23 OF US THAT MADE UP THIS OG!

P.S. The thumbdrive given to us has a video in it that contains the batch song + batch dance song + pictures taken over the 4 days. SO COOL AND THOUGHTFUL AND NICE RITE. ;DDD

ANDDDD : sorry for the horrid language. I can't really be bothered. Just hope you guys understand the language. :D